A Short Explanation

Hi, all.  It's Sunday.  It's my Sabbath Day. 

I have taken to making Sunday a day of rest.  I allow nothing on my to-do list on Sundays.  I make no commitments.  I always take a nap.  I believe God commanded the Israelites to make the Sabbath holy - that is, set apart - for a very important reason.  He commanded us to take a day of rest because we were designed to need rest.  We weren't meant to be striving twenty-four hours a day, nor seven days a week.

My husband knows I've been honoring the Sabbath for many months now.  It's not new.  So maybe knowing that I'm still carrying on my same traditions will help some of you know I haven't lost my mind.

You see,  I quit my job.

I quit my job of twenty-three years.  I quit my job with guaranteed income and paid benefits.  I quit my dream position of coaching and serving others in my field of experience.  I quit being who everyone could depend on.

I also quit striving.  I quit solving problems.  I quit covering for people who wouldn't take responsibility.  I quit being the person who had the answers.  I quit being frustrated.

I know it appears rash to some.  And that's okay.  Sometimes God's guidance looks that way on the outside.  The truth is, my husband and I have been talking about me joining the family business for a long time.  We figured that after a year or two, I'd join him in appraisal work.  God had a different plan.

This last year was one of the most difficult of my whole career.  Not only was I having nightmares about how frustrated I was, things outside my job went haywire as well.  I had over twenty absences this last year.  I never have that many absences.  A few of them were mental health days, to be true, but as many of you know, there were some pretty significant life events as well.  My family needed me.  This year we were affected by anxiety, depression, substance abuse, police action, and even suicide. 

By the time this school year was over, I knew it was time.  And as happens with God's timing, all the pieces fell into place.

You see, I'm a bad-ass.  I'm a woman with a mind of steel and heart of fire.  Whatever I do, I do it with a passion that sees it to completion, loving others fiercely along the way.

Now I can be that for my family.  They don't have to settle for the leftovers anymore.  They get the best of me. 

This is a new chapter.  I have a lot to learn before I will be a benefit to my husband professionally and begin generating income for our family.  I'm not afraid - just impatient.  But while I learn, I get to BE with my family.  I don't have to rush.  I can be present.  I can be a better wife, a better mom, a better daughter and daughter-in-law.  I can be a sister and an aunt.  I can be a better friend. 

Once I have a bit more training and feel a little more comfortable in my new work, I will have mental time and space to read, to think, and to blog.  I'll be able to explore mental health issues and learn all I can about suicide prevention.  I'll be able to coach and love others with my 40+ years experience in living life.  Maybe I'll even take on some consulting work.  Who knows what God has in store?

God says to cease striving.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that well.  I'm a pretty high energy person.  But now I am free to simply strive in loving others, not solving people's problems.  It's an unbelieveable position to be in.  I am blessed.

So, when you need me - I'm here. 

Peace an Love,
Jennifer

Starting the Conversation

For those of you worried, yes, I'm okay.

Summer break has started which means I get to sleep as late as I need, enjoy long mornings sipping coffee, do household chores at a leisurely pace, and sit on my deck overlooking the water all day long.  I get to take short trips with my amazing husband and laugh with my children without feeling rushed.  I get to savor each moment of the amazing life God gave me.

For those who have read long enough, you know it wasn't always this easy.

God took me through great pain and great struggle to produce in me a strength and fortitude which many of you have recognized.  Yes, I am now a badass - a force of nature, as my husband calls me.  If there is a problem , I solve it.  If there is a task, I do it.  If there is a need, I fill it.  I do what needs to be done.  I do what others won't.  I give what others can't.

But even badasses have a lot to learn.

I don't waste time speculating on why God does what He does.  But I do notice when He's doing it.

I know very little about mental health and mental illness.  But it has for damn sure become a part of my life.  Without compromising the privacy of the ones I love, I will tell you that I have VERY closely now experienced the effects depression and anxiety.  I have walked with others through drug abuse, severe depression, trouble with police, and the effects of suicide.  And it's not just one person in my life.  Or two. Or three.  I mean, mental illness has made a nest and come to roost.

And I know nothing about it.

I'm an eternal optimist.  Optimism doesn't solve problems here.

So, when you see me share links or quotes from sane.org, or the Mental Health Awareness Facebook page, it is because I am educating myself.  But more than that, I'm putting it out there.  If you don't feel comfortable looking at it, please feel free to scroll on by.  I won't be offended, I promise.  But the reason I don't know much about mental illness is because it's not ever part of the conversation.  In my family, anyway, we've treated drug use or trouble with police as a separate issue, apart from the bigger picture of mental illness.  Mental illness, for me, is like some shadowy unknown.  So, I need to know.  I need to be educated.  I need to talk about it and put it out there and let it be as accepted as part of the conversation as the weather or the love I have for my friends.  I need to know how I can help, how I can support.  I need to know what not to do.  I need to find the limits of my own power and my inability to solve this problem for the people I love.  I just need to know more.

If you're interested in supporting me in this, then please don't scroll by.  Click.  Then message me what you think or feel or learn.  Let's start this conversation.  Because I need to know more.  The people I love need me to know more.  It's part of my life now - this big, beautiful, amazing, complex life that God has given me.  I would love your help in learning more.

I can't solve it.  I can't fix it.  But not all problems were made to be solved or fixed.  Some were made to be felt, to be lived, to be loved.  And not solving problems is something I'm not very good at,  But I'll try to be better,

Love and Peace,
Jennifer

I'm Tired

So if you're looking for one of my rainbows and butterflies and unicorns posts, this isn't one of those.  This is my current truth.  It's not very pretty, but here goes.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of a lot of things.

I'm tired of other people being afraid.  I'm tired of them not having the courage to stand up and do what needs to be done despite the difficulty.

I'm tired of swimming up stream.  I'm tired of fighting the battles that have to be fought and feeling like I'm doing it by myself.

I'm tired of people being blinded by their own perspective.  

I'm tired of fake, watch-what-you-say relationships.

I'm tired of people who don't reflect, who don't take responsibility for their words and their actions, who don't take time to understand or even think about how their behaviors affect other people.

I'm tired of people who are oblivious or even willfully ignorant of better ways to communicate, to process, and to behave 

Yep.  I'm not critical very often, but....

And I'm not really feeling critical per se.  I'm just so tired of picking up the slack.

I don't have to you know.  Saying '"Fuck this," is always an option.  And it  SHOULD be an option.  As humans, we so often take on too much  - things that  God is not asking us to carry.  I wish we were all a bit smarter about this.  I wish  we knew when to say no.  I wish we had the courage to do so.  I wish we all took care of ourselves a little  bit better so our misery wasn't a burden to those who love us.  

I've learned to be much pickier with my battles.  I've learned to make a wide berth between myself and dysfunction whenever it is within my control.  I've learned to do the same mentally and emotionally when I'm caught temporarily.  I've learned that it's okay to love from afar.  

But, dammit, if we could all just keep  our own side of the street clean, the world would be so much better.  

But then again, if we could, we would.

People ARE doing the best they can, given their perspective.  Everyone is just meeting their needs in the best way they know how.

And humanity is a ducking mess.  (I'll let auto correct keep that one in honor of the sensitive ears.)

I don't believe in self -improvement any more.  I believe in rescue.

Let me be utterly honest about my total inability to make myself a better person.  Let me grasp and own that truth with all my heart.  I am a train wreck.  We are all train wrecks.  And we have created mess after mess after mess.  And we have hurt each other so badly in the process.

What if there IS a super Hero?  What if there really is Someone who says, "Yep - y'all are fuck ups.  But I got this. I can fix it  - all of it.  In fact,  it's already done."

I don't believe in "SHOULD".  I believe in a Redeemer.

Would we all be better people if we just kept out freaking eyes on  HIM?

So, yeah, I'm tired.  I'm tired of humanity.  And after writing all this, I'm a little disgusted by my own.

But I hear a voice whisper, "Hey, I got this.  I can fix it.  In fact, it's already done."

And I breathe.  And I rest, grateful.

Sincerely,

Jennifer 

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry to those I worried.  I'm okay.  Or at least a version of okay.

It's like I imagine a near knock-out in a title fight.  You've been hit, but you keep fighting.  You're blindsided, but you take the punch and come back for more.  You keep swinging, knowing that no matter how much it stings, no matter how cut up you are, you have to keep going.

And then it comes.  That punch to the gut.  That hit that drives the air from your lungs, and you begin falling in slow motion towards the mat.  You see it happening.  You can't stop it.  And while you know more than anything that you are strong enough to stay on your feet, life has other plans.

So you fall.  And you hit that floor hard.  And you lay there stunned.

And in the back of your mind, you hear that countdown begin.  And you're tempted to pass out into peacefulness and let that countdown end.

But you don't.  Because you know you can't.  And you know you won't.  You just have to rest just a moment more, then you'll get back up.

And you do.

If you wonder why I write, it is because it is my art.  It is where my heart and my hands come together to create.  You may wonder why I write to YOU.  It is because someday, somewhere, you will stand in my shoes, just as I have stood in yours.  We all suffer.  We all break.  We get that call.  We watch the ones we love start to drown in their own humanity.  Or we begin to drown in our own.

I write because I have survived.  I have survived my own humanity and the humanity of the ones I love.  I write because I can still see the sunshine - most days.  I write because I learned that on the darkest of days, I can still thank God for feet that keep me standing.

We all fall.  We all lose our breath.  He picks us back up through the hearts and hands of those who love us.  It's okay to rest in the dark.  Love can handle the dark.

Love,
Jennifer

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I Can't Even Begin

My brain can't process the last two weeks.

I won't begin to tell you here or now what has transpired.  Some of it is too private. Some of it is too scary.  Mostly, I'm not ready to deal with it yet.

I have never had such a time in my life as I have had in the last two weeks.  What stands out to me most (for now) is the intensity and the painful waiting that occurred.  While there were many decisions that had to be made, none could be made until the present, painful, and seemingly unending moment had passed.  And once it did, it only served to bring me to the next present, painful, and seemingly unending moment.  I didn't wallow in the pain.  There wasn't time for that.  In a life or death situation when moments are ticking by like century marks, but there are no answers except for, We'll  have to wait and see - pain is not an option.  Pain is not an option because it would consume you and obliterate any chance of rational decision making.

I'm home now.  Life has returned to  "normal".  I'm back in my comfortable place again.  But there is so, so  much to face.  I'm not ready.

So I will post to my blog.  I will  read my chick lit.  I will eat my Oreos and do the laundry.  Because I need time to stand still for just a little while longer.  I need to rest before I pick up the cross and move forward again.

For just a few more moments, remembering what's important may be too much for me to bear.

That time will come. Just not yet. Please.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

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Better Things

So, I deleted my Facebook app on my phone.

I mean, I love you guys, I really do.  But every time I wasted an hour scrolling, I gave a little bit of my soul away.  Between the political turmoil, media's lies, and the unending ads, I always felt a little dead inside when I would finally put my phone down.  I don't have time to feel dead inside.

I'm smart enough to know that life is short.  Many days, it doesn't feel short.  Some days it feels like the day or week will never end.  Sometimes pain seems to draw out the hours.  Some seasons seem to last forever.  But they never do.

The truth is, life IS short.  And as I've perhaps said before, you don't get a second chance to do this thing called life.  There is no dress rehearsal.  This is the real deal, folks.

Therefore, I find myself (again) at the point of remembering what's important.

Above all, for me, peace is important.  Peace is what I sell the quickest.  I've sold it for money, for admiration, for power, for control, for "love" and for salvation.  I abandon peace in my mind first as I listen to the thoughts that my ego throws at me - You have to, You should, You shouldn't, You need, You want.  Then I follow the thoughts and wring out the peace from my body and soul as well.  Then I'm left spent and empty and hollow and dry.

Connection matters too.  And I have tried so many times to follow the phrase, Jesus, Others, You.  But the truth for me is that I have to find connection to myself and my Holy Spirit first and foremost. I have to be grounded in the Meaning that is in my soul.  Then there is an abundance to give from.  I absolutely have to feel connected or I am lost.

I know love matters most of all.  The changes in my life over the last four years caused me to scramble for balance.  And the more I scrambled, the more unbalanced I became.  A friend of mine says I am so, so loving.  But I want to be better.  I want to remember how to love my children unconditionally and not get frustrated with them.  I want to love my step-children.  I want to be the vessel of God's love for all that I meet.  I'm not yet.

But I'm better.  I'm closer.  I'm so much happier in the place I am now than I have been.

One thing I know - Slow Down.  The world's pace is insane.  You will kill your soul if you try to keep up.  You will stumble as you go.  Accept the stumble.  Choose to walk slower.  Choose to breathe slower.  Choose to savor touch and smells and light.  Meditate.  Sit outside.  Snuggle.  These are the foundation of the love I need back in my life.

So, I may not see you on Facebook.  But hopefully some will accept my offering of words and meet me here.  I want better things - for myself, for you, for all of us.  I want meaning, connection, peace and love.  May we hold each other close.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Change

Can I be honest?

Well, I guess I should catch you up first.  After all, it's been several months since I've written.  And a few years before that.  As you may know, I married the man of my dreams (yes, the one I hooked up with during my "Year Without Men" - You're funny, God.), I aquired three new children (yes, that makes six), got my dream job, earned some respect from my friends and my family, got to help and love a LOT of people, and, Lord willing, will be moving into my dream home next week.

I'm exhausted.

I know, I know.  I truly am blessed beyond anything I could ever deserve or accomplish myself.  God has given me more than I could have ever imagined.  And I work very, very hard to keep all these blessings running smoothly.

In all my blessings, I forgot how to be still.

Change is hard.  Big life changes are especially stressful.  And I've had my share of big life changes.  All good ones, to be true, but even the good ones create stress.  And with every change, there are all kinds of "to-do"s that capture my attention and hold it hostage.  Take this move, for example.  I've lived in the same house with my three children for over ten years.  We also aquired four new roommates along the way.  You can't imagine how much "stuff" we've accumulated.  And it all has to be packed and accounted for.

Actually, now that I think about it, it's not that much "stuff".  So, why does my heart ache as I move through rooms that are beginning to look emptier and emptier as the stacks of packed boxes grow?

My heart finally broke tonight.  As part of this transition, my oldest baby is moving out.  I spent the evening helping him take down posters and pack gaming systems in boxes.  It's the right thing for him to do - it's time.  But it hurts so bad.  If you know me well, you know I joke a lot about how awful having six children is.  But I just want my baby back.

Change is hard.  And I think maybe this is the hardest change yet.  If I had written last week, you would have heard me say how excited I am - how amazing the house is, how wonderful to be closer to my friends and family, how much better things will be!  And I know I'm exhausted from packing and that I have worn my soul thin - but I'm scared.  And my heart hurts.  And I want my baby back.  And I want to know that everything is going to be okay - that my children will never leave me, that my parents will never die, and that I'm not going to hate my new living room.

I've been through a lot of changes in my life.  But this time, I'm scared.  And very, very tired.  This time, I can tell that the changes are outside of my control.

Perhaps it is time to remember that I'm not the One in control.

Send good vibes my way.  Remind me to breathe.  In fact, tell me to Be Still.  Someone once said that was a good idea.  

And please pray I don't hate my new livving room.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

It's Time

It's time.

FINALLY...it's time.

It's time to come home again.

It's time to feel the peace and coziness again.

Are there things not right?  Yes.

But I accept them.

This path calls for intention, not performance.

Intentions of gentle strength,

Intentions of self-care and patient love.

Thank God, it's time.

I Will Try Again Tomorrow

Today is not a good day.  Neither was Friday nor Saturday.  Three days of funk.  I'm not grateful or happy.  Though I still continue to thank God.

I guess there is a part of me that wants to be good on my own merit.  I want to be considered good because of what I did.  I want to be praised for my accomplishments.

But God looks at me and simply says,

"You don't have any."

"Everything you have - I gave you.  Every molecule of oxygen, those coffee cups, a joyful heart - all of it, I gave you."

So, what does that leave me when I can't feel you're gifts?

Faith.  The courage to keep believing.

But courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

World Changers

So, I heard a new song yesterday - "World Changers", by Matthew West.  It's a great song.  You should really stop and listen to it if you're a teacher.  Or a mom.  Or a nurse or a doctor or a dad or you just generally care about humanity.

I immediately sent the lyrics to a teacher friend of mine.  When she got them, she responded in a text - "This is beautiful!  Thank you very much!!!!"

That got me thinking.

When I graduated from college, my sister gave me a card.  Here's what it said:

You Can Make a Difference

You don't have to be smarter, faster,
stronger, richer, or more tallented
than anyone else.

You don't need a lifetime
to get ready.

It only takkes courage now.

When the truth needs to be said,
When the work needs to be done,
When the help needs to be given....

You can make a difference.

By earning people's trust and
Giving them your repect,
You can help build a world where
Good things happen
For all of us.

Because the only reason there is for being alive
Is to make the most of what you have.
Your Time.
Your Ideas.
Your Love.

That's all you need.

You can make a difference.

Of course, it took me a few decades to realize the truth in this.  For a long time, I thought making a difference meant working myself to the bone in a world where it hardly even matterrs.  And it does mean that.  But it also means having the courage and taking the time to reach out and be kind.

"That is so beautiful!  Thank you so much!!!!!", she said.

I picked a hard career.  But so is life.  There is stress, there is fear, there is exhaustion.  There is failure, and there is pain.  There are doubts, and there are broken people.

But there is also beauty.  And there is also Love.

Today, when there is a kind word to be said, I say it.  When there is support to be given, I give it.  When there is beauty to see, I show it.  When there is love to be shared, I share it.

And if I can do all that,
so can you.

You can make a difference.

Confession

Sometimes I hear people say to me, "I don't know how you do it."

My first reaction is, "Yeah...I have no idea."

But that's not really true.  I have a few ideas of what it is that makes this amazing-crazy-never-stop-running-for-a-moment life possible.

I say "Thank you".  A LOT.  I hear myself say, "Thank you, God, that my feet are successfully carrying me to where I am going next."  I say, "Thank you, God, that this not so brand new but incredibly warm and comfortable vehicle is working so well today."  I say, "Thank you, God, that my children are healthy enough to be arguing with each other in the backseat."  I say, "Thank you, God, that even though I am exhausted, you are still giving me life."

Yeah, life is hard.  No doubt about it.  But then you see things like this:

If you can't read that final line, it says, "Written on a cellar wall in Germany during the Holocaust."

I heard a song today.  It made me cry.

Lord, I come, I confess.

Bowing here I find my rest.

Without You I fall apart,

You're the One that guides my heart.

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You.

Every hour I need You.

My one defense - my righteousness.

Oh God, how I need You.

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more.

Where grace is found, is where You are.

And where You are, Lord, I am free.

Holiness is Christ in me.

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You.

Every hour I need You.

My one defense - my righteousness.

Oh God, how I need You.

Teach my song to rise to You

When temptation comes my way.

And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You.

Jesus, You're my hope and stay.

(Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher)

How do I do it?  "And when I cannot stand, I'll fall on You."  It's the only way I know.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Been a While

So...it's been a while.

A couple of years to be exact.  Okay, almost three.  But I'm still here.

Here  is a list of things I know now that I didn't know then.

1.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined.
2.  hmmm....

Well, I am.  Stronger than I ever imagined, that is.  I considered crying today.  It was the first time (that I remember, anyway) in two years that I'd considered crying over stress.  Two years, a master's degree, a new career, a new marriage, three new step-children, and every day that runs non-stop until I fall into bed at night only to wake up the next day and do it all again.

Who IS this new person I've become?  I used to fall apart.  I don't fall apart anymore.  I hold things together.  Some days it feels like I hold EVERYTHING together.  For everyone.  And the truth is, I love doing it.  I love being a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a support, a cheerleader, and a shoulder to cry on for all the ones I've come to love working with.  I love knowing the direction I want my children to grow in and being strategic about every word and hug and kiss I give to them.  I love knowing the man of my dreams needs me to be sane and strong and stable for him (just as he is for me).  I love knowing that no matter how much I struggle in being a step-mother, it is imperative for me to be kind and respectful to my step-kids.

Okay, so the truth is...today I cried.  Today I wished somebody, anybody, could understand all that my brain does in a day.

I've learned a few other things too.  I've learned that real love does exist (I knew it!!!).  I've learned that honesty and compassion don't need politics.  I've learned that there's always a solution.  I've learned that hard work and determination are very rewarding in themselves.  I've learned that children really are absorbing what we're telling them.  I've learned that you always get another chance tomorrow.

I remember a time when I cried once a WEEK.  That's progress.

Hope to be back in the blogging world.  Words for life, so to speak.

Hey, what a catchy title!

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Grace

No, I have not abandoned my post.  Just needed some time.

It is weird not having the countdown, though.  I didn't mean to, you know.  They say, when you stop looking....Guess it's true.

I won't begin to gush about the amazingness of my life right now - I'll save that for another time.  But I will say this.  Maybe, just maybe...God has given to me the opportunity to have a partner in life - a real partner this time.  Someone so much like me, I can't remember life before.  Someday, I'll tell you all about it.

For now, I am thinking about grace.

Those of you who know me well enough know my story isn't pretty.  It's ugly.  So very ugly, I cannot share it here.  Sometimes a victim, but always by choice.  I tried to run my own life for so very long.  It never worked out well.  And I did it again and again and again.

So, I have this past - this hideous past.  I am so imperfect - if you were to only look at the black and white facts, one could not help but condemn me.

And yet, you see what I have become.  God has given me a life.  A life of beauty and love and kindness and joy and peace.  A life of Grace.  I am so undeserving, and yet...  His love has saved me.

And I am still so imperfect.  That doesn't even accurately describe it.  I still carry inside me the brokenness of humanity.  I fail.  Bad.

Just last night, I became rageful...at one of my children, no less.  I said things I shouldn't have said.  I became anger and rage and destruction.  See...that's still there...that part of me that will never be perfect.  I am shown, once again, my brokenness.

But...the shadow proves the Sunshine.

In spite of my detestable brokenness...Love prevails.  Grace prevails.  God says, "See?  Remember?  This isn't about you achieving perfection.  You never will.  This is about Me saving you and completing you and lifting you out of your human condition.  Because I love you."

And Love protects my son from his imperfect mother.  He still knows love, and he doesn't even consider for a moment that his mother might not love him...because he knows deeply that she does.

A friend, knowing full well my story, even said to me this morning, "I think you're genuinely one of the best people I've ever known."

That's Grace.

Humbled, once again, I receive that Grace with so much appreciation.  I so don't deserve it.  And yet...it saves me.

May Grace touch you the same as it has touched me.  Hopefully...you don't have to do it so ugly.

Love,
Jennifer

Uhhhhmmmm.....

A friend told me the other day...we make plans, and God laughs.

Hmmmm.

Don't worry (Mom) - I'm not running off to get married.  Hell, I refuse to even kiss him.

So, let me start out with honesty. 

Technically, I'm still single.  Like in all sense of the word.  Technically.

Oh, wait.  I said honesty.

Hmmmm.

Well...let's say undefined.

I had to be honest with you all.  Honesty is such a part of who I am now, and who I want to be.  Hiding this was not an option.  Knowing how to tell you?  Not so easy.  But I'm trying.

I'm even protecting my heart a bit. I'm being careful.  I'm going slow.  In my own defense, I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't the most amazing potential I've ever seen.  Hey, I may be broken, but I'm not stupid enough to let the most amazing person I've ever met slip by just because I chose to try this.

There are lots of great guys out there, someone told me.  No there aren't.  I know.  I've met most of them.

My friend told me I used to be a loser magnet.  My friend was right.  I didn't deserve better.  I had to suffer to make the other person happy, which they never were anyway.  I was treated badly.  I latched onto people who did not know peace.  I created drama for myself, then tried to change the other person to make the drama go away.

I'm not that girl anymore.

Today, I know myself.  I like myself.  Being myself, alone, is enough.  God completes me, not someone else.

And I am strong.  I am smart.  I can fix dishwashers and bury cats and replace stolen lipsticks.  I can love my friends deeply and let them love me back.  I can walk with my head held high, knowing I am not making the same stupid choices I once did.  I know I am at peace.

And now, maybe there's someone to share that with.

No, I didn't plan on this.  However...I said that I was willing, but that God was in control.  He still is.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  God will still love me.  So will my friends.  So will I.

I'm human.  So be it.

I still love me.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 292 - The Storm Before The Calm

I've learned something about myself.

It's so nice to be able to say that.

I learned that many times, when I am facing a new situation, I have a very heightened sense of anxiety.  Maybe that's a polite way of saying it.  Really, I'm terrified.  I sweat.  I don't breathe right.  It's down right crazy.  My concern arises out of the fear of not being able to express myself.  (Yes, I know - insane.)  My body seems to think that when that moment comes, I will freeze, and I won't be able to show my authentic self.  I can spend hours, sometimes days, in this hellish state.  I try to calm it by breathing and telling myself positive things.  It doesn't help much.

Then, finally, that moment comes.

And I am just fine.

I'm sure this fear comes from the many years I spent locked inside myself.  I was afraid of people.  I didn't make eye contact.  I made few friends, and I never asked for help.  I doubted that people would ever understand me.  In Jewel's words, "In silence, I feared my heart would remain unheard inside a separateness of skin."  That was me.

I've come a long way.  Somewhere along the way, probably when I found the place of true surrender, I let go of that fear.  And I reached out.  And I asked for help.  And I spoke.  Quietly at first, then louder with time.

And people heard me.  People listened to me and understood.  Sometimes they even agreed with me.  And that gave me the courage it took to speak some more.

Today, I have a multitude of close, loving relationships.  Friends, who I love, surround me with their care and their love and their support.  A day does not go by without having some sort of meaningful, loving connection with another human being.

So, why do I still experience fear?  I don't know.  I was kind of worried about it.  Until yesterday.  As I was sitting in my car, the thought came, "Oh, this is just the storm before the calm."  Clever, huh?

I may stew in fear for a time.  But when I open my mouth, authenticity pours out.

I love that.

Authenticity has brought meaning and depth to my life that I once wanted so desperately.  Where did this courage come from?  Again, to quote Jewel: "I'd never known the fruit which fed the soul. But now I see what may put to rest my longing.  For I have seen the face of love, the grace of God."

May you have love and depth touch your heart each and every day.

"wanting never to be separate again,
let eternity begin."

Love,
Jennifer

Day 396 - The Valley "Through"

Psalm 23

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 23

A psalm of David. ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³ he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

My pastor has been doing a series on going through Valleys.  I could identify well.  I've gone through a valley the last few months.  Some days are like that.  But today, the sun was shining, and I could actually feel it.  And today, in church, I heard Psalm 23 again, just like I did when the journey into the Valley first started, even though I didn't know that was what was happening at the time.  It was one of what I call "God moments" - when you know God is speaking directly to it.  And finally, I could hear His Voice again.

Now, I know God didn't leave me during the Dark Valley.  I know that.  But, I couldn't feel the sunlight of the Spirit during those dark days.  But I tried, oh how I tried, to just keep doing what I was supposed to do.  "Keep functioning," God told the Israelites during their exile into Babylon.  I wonder if they felt like I did, like they were going through the dark times, even though God had promised them He would recover them.

Even though that scripture doesn't say "To Jennifer" at the beginning, I took it as mine.  "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord.  'Plans to prosper you, to give you a hope and a future....When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back."  Okay, I was hoping the seventy years part wasn't directed at me, but the rest of it, I took straight to heart.

And another thing my pastor said this morning - that "I will not fear" part.  He said it's been translated poorly.  What it really means is that when I fear, I will see signs of His Presence - his rod and his staff - and I will be reminded that He is with me, and I will choose to not focus on my fear.  That, I can do.

Even though there were days I couldn't see the signs of His Presence very clearly, today I can.  And I'm so grateful.  Grateful to have been brought through the Dark Valley.  Grateful to have not lost all hope.  Grateful that He carried me when I could no longer walk.

Will dark days come again?  To be sure.  Will I walk through those too?  You bet.  And now I have complete assurance that I will make it through just fine.

I love my God.  And He loves me.  The Lord is my Shepherd, and I lack nothing.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 297 - Bravery

Yeah!!!  I made it past the 300 mark!  Only 297 days left to NOT chase a man.  Maybe I'll be so mature by then that I won't even have to.

So, bravery.  I've come a long way in this department.  And I think I still have a long way to go.

I used to be so scared.  All the time.  Fear crippled me.  Hiding was best.  I hid who I was inside and showed instead who I thought others either should see or who they wanted to see.  Hmmm, considering my record, that didn't seem to work out too well.

The last few years have brought about something different.  I learned that women are wonderful, loving people.  I learned that I could share my heart and that they understood.  I was no longer alone.  That in itself brought so much freedom and strength.  I can express my true self now - sometimes a bit emphatically.  Okay, always a bit emphatically, but my friends love me, so it's okay.

Then came the day I met that man.  You know, the perfect one.  I was SOOOO scared.  But my friends encouraged me, and I called him.  (Geez, thanks friends.)  And I went out with him.  And I was myself.  And it was like this brand new amazing door opened before me.  My whole attitude and outlook changed.  I was one hundred percent me.  It brought a new energy and life that I had never experienced before.  I was so happy.

Then, my heart broke.

Now, the whole experience showed me how amazing it is to truly express one's self.  So, as you know, I started to blog, and I began to vomit my true self all over the internet.  But, as some of you say you enjoy it, I've found that to be a good thing.  But there is a safety in the publish button.  None of you have lacked courtesy enough to tell me I suck, and I appreciate that.  But is this true intimacy?

I find I still fear at times.  Like this week.  Someone said something which hurt my feelings.  Now I SHOULD have gone to her and talked with her.  I even half-heartedly tried, but she was gone.  I think she heard though, for later she came and hugged me.  (Thank you, by the way.)  But, if I was truly brave, I would have made sure to address it.  I guess I still have that chance.

And, making new friends.  It seems to be easy for me to express all my thoughts and feelings with written words.  Will I be able to do it face to face?  I want to.  Because I want to be me.  Will I have enough bravery to do it?  I don't know yet.

My friends know I'm authentic - maybe too much so at times.  But life can still scare me.  I want to be brave.

Thankfully, in the words of John Wayne, "Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."

I think this is an important skill to master.  I have come far, to be sure, and I must not shrink back now.  If I am to find a meaningful, lasting relationship with a man in my life...someday...then I must be willing to develop this skill now, before I meet him.  So when he comes, I'll be ready.

And that's what this year is about...becoming ready.  So I don't screw up as badly again.  Hey, it's worth a shot.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 302 - My Friends

My friends,

You've made my life tolerable over the last six months.  You made me laugh.  You held me when I cried.  You listened to me rant.  You held me when I shook.  You were strong when I wasn't, and you applauded me when I was.  You heard me, you saw me, you understood me.

L - for taking me back and leaning on me and letting me lean on you.
H - for making forgiveness seem so easy.
K - for being the loving, wise voice that you are.  And for being human, just like me.
J - for never giving up.
A - for telling me I am more than good enough.
J - for praying with me.
K - for reading all my blogs.
L - for knowing all our family's funny stories.
M - for being ever supporting.
A - for listening to me, even when you probably didn't want to.
L - for letting me have a second chance to make a first impression.
K - for always bringing a sunny response.
B - for teaching me that it is okay to want the best for me.
K - for teaching me that I can get back up after being knocked down.
J - for being the son every mother would love.
J - even though we've grown apart, I know that you're still there.
K - for being an amazingly strong woman and great role model.
D - for being my dad.
M - for all your gentle hugs.
T - for showing me it's okay to be single.
S  - for those amazing hugs.

To all of you, thank you.  I love you.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 304 - Not Perfect, But...

I do not make the most perfect choices, but I learn from my mistakes.

I do not have the perfect house, but I have a cozy home.

I do not have a perfect past, but I have a well-lived present.

I do not have the perfect job, but I have a fulfilling job.

I do not have the perfect mind, but I have a sharp mind.

I do not have the perfect face, but I have a pretty face.

I do not have the perfect body, but I have a beautiful body.

I do not have perfect children, but I have happy children.

I do not have perfect friends, but I have wonderful friends.

I do not have the perfect life, but I have an amazling life.

Here's to being happy - not perfect.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 305 - I've Made It Two Months

Actually, it's been more if you count the last time I actually went out on a date.  But still there was the whole drama thing about being friends and all - which ended up being even more heartache.  So, we'll just say two months.

I think I've made it through the roughest part.  I pray I've made it through the roughest part.  As you know, this last month about did me in.  The cat, the car, the appliances, VD...it felt like it would never end.  But it did.

Which may be why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling now.  Like I just want to hop off the drama train for a while.  I want no excitement.  I want to go somewhere peaceful and quiet.  I want to do nothing, to think nothing, to feel nothing...if just for a little while.  The world can go on moving without me for a bit if it wants to.  I'll jump back in when I'm ready.

It's Friday.  I can do anything I want to.  And what do I do?  I take a nap.

Life seems to be an endless...though not really endless...journey of peaks and valleys.  The terrain can be treacherous, especially to one with a tender heart.  Most days, I hit the trail with high spirits and a true sense of adventure.  Other times, I limp along just praying for relief from the elements.

Today, I rest.  Today, I know when I need rest, and I know how to get it.  I don't find it in escaping reality - there is no point in that.  True rest is found in releasing the pressure I place on myself.  For it is not life that places such harsh demands on us - it is us ourselves.  I get that today.  I know that if I need a break, it is I that am responsible for seeing that I get one.

No one else can make my life tolerable.  No one else can make my life enjoyable.  No other person is responsible in any way for how I feel.  I am.

I am hopeful that this year I am taking will help to solidify that understanding.  I am hoping that I will really get it - once and for all - that I am responsible for the quality of my life.  I hope I will truly learn that the choices I make in who I have around me are important choices.  I hope I do not choose poorly again.

For now, I look around me and see some very beautiful, loving faces.  I see my children.  I see my family.  I see the most amazing friends in the world.  And I see me.  Those are the people I choose today.  And I love them dearly.

Today I choose to rest, I choose to love, and I choose to be at peace.  Amen.

Sincerely,
Jennifer