Day 69

I fixed my own dishwasher again.

Some of you may remember how this blog began. It was a promise to myself to go 365 days without a man. Those who were following closely enough saw that, counting down, I only made it to day 291. That’s 73 days. That was when the best husband I’ve ever known came into my life.

He left my life on August 17, 2025. I haven’t been strong enough to blog since then.

But today I fixed my own dishwasher.

I have known for many years that everything that exists in this version of life is curriculum. Every single detail. And while we may learn on some levels to some degree, the Great Loving Universe is never content in letting us settle for anything less than infinite growth and expansion.

I am only just beginning to understand what within me needs healing. A storm, the most intense and long-lasting storm I’ve ever known, raged on for 18 months. The devastation was widespread throughout my mind and my body. The chasm between my spirit and my terrified ego grew wide.  I forgot everything about Who I am, what Love is, and how much the Divine values me.

In February of this year, I finally surrendered. The damage in my psyche had manifested in my nervous system. My body could no longer restore itself. Almost the whole right side of my body was in a state of constant contraction, and not just mild contraction. Holding onto the side of a cliff with your toes wrapped around the grass type of contraction.  And simply letting go was no longer feasible. 

My brain and my stubborn will thought I could keep going. And I tried. But I began to miss work. I was only sleeping two hours a night because of the constantly returning sensation of my right hand feeling like it was on fire due to nerve compression in my cervical spine. I finally admitted I couldn’t go on. I was granted medical leave, and as of today, I have not yet returned to work.

The purpose of the curriculum, of course, is to help us remember just Who we are and the majesty of What we are.

The storm was so incredibly painful. I witnessed those I love go through hell. And I tried to save them.  And I was unsuccessful. And somewhere in the middle of the storm, I realized that my only option was to disengage.

I have spent the last 30 years loving other people, taking care of other people. For the last 13, there were no boundaries. I took care of everyone at work. I took care of everyone at home. I thought I could save everyone. I thought I had enough love and that I was strong enough to do it.

The part of the lesson I hadn’t even considered yet was that you have to wash your own feet too.

I remember the first time I did that, months ago now. I was in the shower, washing as usual, and I decided to scrub my feet.  That's when Yeshua told me…You have to wash your own feet too.

That may have been the introduction to what has unfolded.

I began to realize that self-care was a foreign concept to me.

I had become a vessel full of pain, conflict, baggage, defense, self-punishment, and sorrow.  It’s still quite a chaotic mess.

But when I retreated from life in February, claimed my space in this amazing house on the river, and the pace began to slow, my spirit began guiding me towards healing.

All I know today is that my mind is still split between my spirit and my ego. But I can identify the ego now. I know when it is speaking. I know when it is tempting me to push, to rush, to control, to abandon my Self. I want to be rid of it. But attacking it is just the ego's way of protecting its existence.

I also know that all this ego nonsense, and all these storms, do not change Who or What we were created to Be.

And I am learning, that if I can see the Perfection in you, I can experience healing.

I’m certainly not very good at it yet. But I’m going to go stand downtown today with 7000 other people who are united in knowing that Love Wins, and I know it will make me stronger.

I love you. I will always love you. And I pray that someday I know that I mean that with every distinct Being I have ever crossed paths with.

For that is what this Universe is all about.

Love, 

Jeni Lynn

Sabbath

It's Sunday again - my chosen day for Sabbath.  I try to set aside one day a week in which I don't aim to accomplish anything - no chores, no tasks, no to-do's.  I'm not perfect at it.  Sometimes the laundry doesn't get finished on Saturday, and there is a little bit to complete before the new week begins.  Luckily for me, this weekend is a three day weekend, so I have a little extra time for doing the things I think need to be done before I can relax then enjoy a week of work.  I don't need to stress about finishing the laundry.

I used to think the Sabbath was just about taking a day to rest.  You know - God worked hard to create the universe, so on the seventh day, He was worn down and rested.  He told the Israelites they should do no work on the Sabbath to follow His model.  And the people were dutiful - condemning Jesus for putting forth effort on the Sabbath by healing the sick or snacking on wheat.  As usual, we misinterpreted the message.

Today, I realize that Sabbath is not based on the idea of rest, though rest is a beneficial result.  Rather, the Sabbath is about Trust.  It is about remembering that we are complete in God, that all our true needs - Oneness, Forgiveness, Love - are already met.  It is about recognizing that God will take care of the minutiae (our physical needs) if we ask Him to.  And if we realize our Trust, we will know that we are safe, we are loved, and we are cared for in a way that is infinitely better than our attempts to take care of ourselves.  

Trust is not always the first inclination.  I see my to-do list, and the fear that I will not be complete until it is accomplished creeps in.  That is a ridiculous fear, and I am learning to let it go.  We fear that we will not get what we want or what we think we need, and that fear mucks up our perception and subsequent actions.  Fear is the root of all evil.

When I dive into a work week with my attention on all the responsibilities and expectations of the worldly roles I have chosen (most of which I've placed on myself), it is very easy for me to lose sight of Trust, and fear is a persistent temptation.  But I don't want fear to limit the good God wants me to do on this planet.  I am learning to reject fear - to say, "I don't want that" when the temptation to fear rises in my mind.  When I am free from fear, God is free to perform through me - to love, to accept, to embrace, to forgive, so that all the world might be healed.

So, today I will Trust, and I will rest in the knowledge that God is good and I am loved and safe.

May God lead us all to Trust.

In Love and Light,

Jennifer

Home

 It's good to be home.

The journey was long.  The journey was hard.  Much of the journey was made difficult by my own mistakes.  

I'm so grateful that part is behind me.

I have my heart back.  I have my authenticity back.  I have my love back.  I have peace and confidence once again.  I feel good.  I am happy.

Our lifestyle has changed.  We went from living in a big house in an upscale neighborhood to a small home in the city.  The people are different.  And I love them.  They are real.  The river flows through our backyard, and the old trees rain down their fall colors and provide a blanket of beauty across our yard.  We worked very hard to make this house our home.  This old house, made new by our steadfastness and our effort, by our colors and our tones, provides so much warmth.  It's cozy and so beautiful to me.  I am content.

But more than our location has changed.  I have changed.  My path had led me to scary places, places I couldn't connect, where I couldn't feel solid ground beneath me.  I made mistakes.  I hurt people.  Mostly, I hurt myself.  I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.  But I am so grateful the path led me back - back to who I am, back to where my heart is. I am me again.

It was work.  It took working on myself much like working on this old house.  I knew the steps I needed to take, and I knew the effort it required, and I pushed hard until the job was done.  It was worth it.  I'm home again.  

Life is not easy.  There are stretches of time and circumstance that cause us to feel lost, dazed, and confused.  We lose sight  of where home lies.  We wander.  But just for a time.  Love finds us again.  Love brings us home.  

Come home with me.  Come home to where the heart beats strong and steady, where love's warmth surrounds you in peace.  I'll meet you there, and together we will remember what matters, what is real and worthy of our hearts and our faith.  Love will meet us there.  And we will find strength and comfort and rest.

May this season of life be kind.  May love guide your steps and your heart.  May you cherish home.

Much love,

Jennifer

An Update

For those who have been following my story, you know how hard I've been fighting to recover.  I have been very, very sick.  Like for the last six years.  Life events and my own actions knocked the living shit out of me.  Thank you to those who stuck with me.  No wonder I couldn't see the sunshine.  No wonder I could only see darkness.  No wonder I was trying desperately to find happiness again.

Today, I'm happy.  In all that I searched for, in all the changes I tried to make, I didn't try to make the right changes.  And so the darkness continued.

Today, I am healthy again.  Today, I am at peace.  Today, I am happy.  Truly happy.

The last several times I wrote, I didn't know how sick I still was.  I didn't know how sick I let myself become.  I knew I wasn't feeling the way I wanted to feel, but I didn't know I was looking for the solution in the wrong places.

Today I know...

I am powerless over God's world, and it is not meant to be controlled.

God loves us and wants us to be happy and healthy.

I have decided to let God run the show again.

A diligent reflection and assessment of my actions leads me to see where I could be better.

Being open with others and with God about my imperfections helps me find peace.

I surrender my imperfections to God.

I have identified actions that I need to apologize for.

I am working on making those apologies.

I reflect almost every day on what I did well and things I would like to do differently.

I pray and meditate every day, and I look to the Holy Spirit to guide me through life.

I connect with others again, and I'm trying to share what I've learned.

I didn't know that 2017 would be the beginning of some of the darkest years of my life.  I didn't know the depths to which I'd fall.  I didn't know how much we would all suffer.  

But I did know, in the bottom of my heart, that escape from the suffering was possible.  And it took me a while, but I found it.

I offer you hope.  I offer you my experience in knowing that if you find yourself on the darkest of roads, there is a way out, and if you'll look to the Universe with sincere humility and ask for help, the Universe will kindly and lovingly step in.

Be gentle with yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  If you need help, reach out for it.  You are loved beyond anything you could comprehend.

With much love and happiness in my heart,

Jennifer

It's my birthday!

I have had the best day.  I learned a long time ago that the secret to having a happy birthday was to have zero expectations.  That way, each thoughtful expression is a surprise!  It's been wonderful!

As I stop and reflect on this day, I am so incredibly grateful for where I stand today.  You all know how hard I have worked this last year to recover from a very dark time.  I have followed my spiritual path, I have changed my lifestyle, and I went to therapy.  I have made amazing progress.  Finally, last month, the last pieces fell into place.  With an added medication, I am able to relax again.  The fear is gone.  I don't have to work so hard to feel happy.  I'm me again.  I think to stay.

It's so funny how this Universe works.  Right before finding this medication, I went through the most stressful time.  I was finishing my second masters, attending an internship program, involved heavily at work, and interviewing for a career change.  Oh, and we're moving.  I used the tools I had, sometimes with desperation, to make it through each day.  Interviews were the worst.  My anxiety and PTSD clouded my thinking, and I'd loose my train of thought often.  I felt terrified, and waiting for a response was filled with thoughts of, "I just wasn't good enough".

But I did it.

I am pleased to announce that even through my anxiety, my PTSD, and my overloaded schedule, I was offered an assistant principal position.  They saw my value even though I was scared and not functioning my best.  I did it!

Finally, I know more about my future.  I know where I'll be living.  I know where I'll be working.  There is a path.

I am hopeful that I have come to the end of the dark time.  There are still hills to climb, but the way is a little clearer now.

For those who loved me along the way, thank you.  I couldn't have done it without you.

To those who I've hurt, I'm sorry.  My humanity was weak.

I know where my feet are today.  I know who my God is today.  I know that the miracle of Love will always win in the end.  I believe that with all my heart.  Love saved me once again, and I am grateful.

I don't think I'm the only one who was affected by the darkness of the last few years.  I know no one's story is exactly like mine, but we really went through it.  If you're still suffering, please reach out.  Please keep fighting to find the light again.  It's there.  I promise.  I don't know why life sometimes takes on the form of a black shadow, but I know it passes.  I choose to believe in Love until it's gone and I can see the sun again.  I've learned that sometimes, the process takes years.  But Healing is real.

So, today on my birthday, I look to the future with peace, love, and happiness in my heart.  It feels really good to be in a place where I'm not afraid and I know I am competent and capable of flourishing in all that is to come.  It's a good life.  It's a really good life.

Love leads us back.  May Love lead you Home.

Love, 

Jennifer

Mistakes

 It was a good week.  I feel confident that things are getting brighter.  I am very, very grateful.

It was a busy week for sure.  I am doing my internship, and I absolutely enjoy each day.  I am being exposed to all kinds of new and interesting scenarios.  This week, I had an opportunity to support my boss through a project and a chance to manage a certain situation.  I attacked both head on.  By Wednesday, I was feeling proud of myself for a job well done.

Then Thursday came.  On Thursday, I learned that the project I thought I had done so well was incomplete.  It was incomplete because I had not followed directions thoroughly.  And that situation I'd managed?  I realized I had failed to follow the plan and ended up causing someone distress.  By Thursday, I was not feeling quite so proud.

That evening was rough.  I had to be vigilant with my thoughts - the ego was trying to pull me down by judging me as a failure for letting people down .  I absolutely hate letting people down.  And yet, I had.  I worked on forgiving myself for my mistakes.  I know I'm my own harshest critic.  I tried to detach from accusing thoughts.   It was an evening of soothing self-talk to try to counteract the threat of my own condemnation.  Some moments, it worked.  Others, I kept trying.

Most times, it's very important to make things right.  I'm not always strong enough to do it immediately, but this time I did.  Well, at least within twenty-four hours.  I sent a heartfelt apology for my missteps.  I acknowledged what I had done, and made clear what I would do differently next time.  I stopped, read directions more carefully, and I fixed the project, even though it meant working late.

Mistakes happen.  Taking ownership matters.

I will admit, there are mistakes in my life that are still not resolved.  These I have come to peace with.  I have wrestled with them long enough to realize that the forgiveness I really need is my own.

If I could just manage to remember that mistakes, at least the kinds I made this week, mean I'm learning something new, I might be less critical of myself.  I very clearly learned two ways of doing things that I will not be repeating. And this was just the beginning.  The next several weeks will hold many opportunities to make mistakes and learn new things.  What is that statistic?  Successful people make how many times more mistakes than others do?  (Google wouldn't give me the exact numbers.)  The value of mistakes lies in the learning you take away.  That requires reflection.  That requires a willingness to change behavior.  It requires humility.  And it requires Grace.

I still don't like that I let them down.  But they forgave me.  I'm forgiving me.  Someone said, "We live, we learn, we communicate, and we keep pushing."  May we give each other such grace,

Remember,

"Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark."  

– Rachel Hollis 

Love,

Jennifer

PS - I was Googling that stat, and I found this.  Comforting and inspiring read!

https://www.lifehack.org/614300/high-achievers-are-the-ones-who-make-the-most-mistakes

It's Good to be Back

What an amazing week.  I felt good, I felt strong, I felt confident.  I'm getting back to me.  And I am so, so grateful.  Exciting things are happening.  Change is coming.  I am so happy to feel capable of handling what's coming my way.

Rough times happen.  Sometimes they last for years.  But love comes, peace comes, forgiveness comes - if you search for them.  It's easy to believe that what feels bad has always been and will always be.  But that's not true.  

Lots of things we think aren't true.  I was telling someone this week about how I recognized that some thoughts come, don't ask me from where, that attack us and tempt us to believe all kinds of horrible things.  It is possible - I know - to recognize an intruding thought and dismiss it.  Too often we attach to the thoughts and make them real for us.  But it is just as easy to let them go, knowing that some force, somewhere, is sending you messages trying to tear you down.  But you don't have to believe them.  You can forgive the thoughts and let them go.

I am trying to guard my thoughts very closely.  I am trying to remember how holy I am and that if I remember my holiness, I will have feelings of peace and love.  

Remember the sign I have on my mantle?  I've revised it just a bit to fit.  I say,

I believed in the sun even when it was not shining.

I believed in Love even when I could not feel it.

I believed in God even when I could not hear Him.

I feel like I have made it through some very rough times.  I didn't do it alone.  God led me, my friends and family supported me, and YOU, by allowing me to speak my truth here, made me feel heard and appreciated.  Thank you.

May we all find ourselves on a path of peace, love, and spiritual growth.  As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

May we remember who we really are, and may we carry the weight of humanity lightly as we travel on our road home.  Remember that happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life.  Make happiness a practice, and the road will feel a lot smoother.

Thank you for reading my words.  Thank you for walking beside me.  And thank you for being the best version of yourself you can be.  The world needs you.

Love and Light,

Jennifer

Unicorns

Most of you know me well enough to know that my wardrobe is important to me.  My outfits have to feel just right to match my mood.  Some clothes bring me comfort.  I always say, if you see me in my favorite outfit (threadbare thermal, jeans, and UGGS), I'm either having a really, really good day or a really, really bad one.

My friends at work have noticed that my outfits change with my mood.  They say that if they see me in heels (wedges, really - I gave up heels quite a while ago) they know I'm having a good day.  

Throughout the pandemic, it was mostly jeans and hoodies.  Hiding in the folds of much-needed comfort felt good.  I needed to feel good so badly.

The most interesting part to me is how important my choice of pajamas each night has become.  I have to pick just the right outfit.  To sleep in.  Yep, that's nuts, but it is so.  

I have about four drawers for pajamas.  I have summer pajamas, fall pajamas, and winter pajamas,  I have soft and cozy, and I have carefree and light.  I have different color palettes to choose from.  I'm always able to pick out the pajamas that feel just right.

Tonight, I found myself searching for my unicorn pajamas.

Unicorns!  Can you believe it?  After seeking only comfort for so long, I find myself wanting to express unicorn joy again!  

It's been a really, really good week.  It's been a good couple of months.  Two months since I felt the clouds part.

I feel it around me too.  I feel others finding hope in the progress we're making.  We're getting back to good.

I knew we could.

Thank you to my friend who helped me understand that it's important to accept that unicorns aren't always called for,  And fake unicorns are just plain annoying.

But folks, when your heart is happy and the Universe invites you to wear unicorns, wear them with all your heart!

Joy matters.  I am grateful to have healed so that I can feel true joy.  I hope there is something in your life that causes you to feel joyful and grateful to be a part of this great dance.  And if not, find something.  Please, I beg you to find something.  Because this world needs more love.  This world needs more joy.  And if you can heal your own heart and bring it back to joy, you will be healing the world too.

Hoodies?  Oh yeah.  Birks?  You bet.  Peace and Love all around.

But for tonight?  Unicorns!!!

With Love,

Jennifer

Goodbye, 2022

 Whew.

As I spend some much-needed time reflecting on the last year, I must acknowledge that it was a difficult one.  I know I and all the world are still recovering from the life-changing pandemic.  Personally, I believe I developed PTSD as a result of all the trauma we endured. But we have made a lot of progress in healing.

I sought out the help I needed, and I did most of what I was led to do.  I began reading A Course in Miracles again, and it has given me hope and sanity once again.  It is a very challenging text to read, and it will make no sense at all until the Universe decides you're ready.  I am very grateful for the words that guide me to the truth.  I wish it was all crystal clear instructions with a fail-safe plan.  But our experience here on earth seems to be more complicated than that.  Seems to be, anyway.  The Course teaches that this is all illusion anyway and that realizing our Oneness with Christ is our only true function.  I wish, in the busyness of the days, that I could remember how simple it is.  I'm still working on it.

I began 2022 feeling suffering, fear, guilt, and trauma.  It was not okay with me to feel that way, so I did something about it.  By springtime, I had found The Tapping Solution to deal with my negative emotions.  I had also begun ACIM in earnest.  By May, I knew I had found some healing.  In June, I found You, Happier which helped me to make changes in my life that gave me the healthiest brain possible to experience happiness.  I experienced a setback when I returned to work after the summer break, but I kept trying to become healthier and happier.  I remember clearly the time I experienced three good days in a row.  A miracle, I thought!  In August, I found Virtual EMDR to treat my PTSD.  I began to feel better and better.  By September, I had found the ability to be authentic again, though it was still a struggle.  In November, through 8 to Great, I forgave myself for the mistakes I'd made that seemed to overshadow the good.  I let it go.  And I felt better.  December brought a time of reflection, and I know I am in much better shape than when I started this year.

There will be seasons when you get the living shit knocked out of you.  Sometimes these seasons last for years.  But healing is possible.

I am so incredibly grateful for every little bit of healing I have experienced.  I am grateful that God gave me a heart that WANTS healing bad enough to do the work.

I (understandably) don't feel as strong as I once did.  But I think that as I work to trust my Higher Power, and as I feel His support, my sense of strength may return.  It's His strength we rely on anyway.

A lot of my future is yet unknown.  This next year may bring a new home and a career change, but all of that is still to be revealed.  I am excited about the possible changes, and I want to be the strongest, healthiest, and happiest that I can be so I can meet these new challenges with confidence and resolve.

2022 was tough.  Not as tough as 2020, but the lingering effects are still with us.  I pray that as we move into 2023, the path to peace and happiness is smoother.  I pray for Grace for all of us who are still picking up broken pieces of the past.  I pray for Comfort and Healing, and most of all, I pray for Love.

May we walk this road together.

Love and Peace,

Jennifer

I see it!

Today was a good day.  A really good day.  Gratitude fills my heart, and I am so grateful for a reprieve from the shadow of dread that's been hanging around since 2020.  Maybe I've turned a corner.

Ain't gonna lie.  You all know how rough it's been.  Every day, I would try to feel positive and rainbow-y, but it was so, so hard.

When I was discussing the lack of rainbows and unicorns with a friend, she told me we don't need rainbows and unicorns right now.  We need real.  She's right.

I'm still striving to be more and more authentic.  That, in my opinion, is one of the tragedies of the mess that was the last few years.  Even with all the fear, sickness, and death, I tried to put on a happy face.  I can't tell you for sure if that was a mistake or not, because we needed all the positivity we could get.  But it took its toll.  No amount of positivity could counteract all the stress and fear we've experienced.  I misplaced authenticity in the midst of it all.  I'm trying to find my way back.

When people are hurting, they don't want unicorns.  They want someone to understand.   They want someone to sit with them and share the burden.  They want to know they're not alone.

So, where are we at?  Are we still hurting?  Are we back to good yet?

For me, I've been taking it one day at a time.  Some days are better than others.  

I am so grateful for those who I am blessed to call friends who are supporting me every day.  Your love and your concern mean the world to me.  Thank you.

If you're limping like I am, take heart.  You are not limping alone.  The good news is we're moving.  I'm rereading Pollyanna.  In it, she searches for the good amidst devastating circumstances.  She calls it the "Glad Game".  I've been playing that game a lot lately.  That's good news.  Finally, I can see the good again.  I am grateful for the healing. 

May we all heal.

Love, Jennifer

EDIT: This post was originally written on 11/28/22.  Now, two weeks later....well, you'll just have to wait for the next post.

Much Love.

A Prayer for Healing

 I don't know that I can say for certain that I'm out of my slump.  But I know I'm close.

I feel like me again.  There were even some rainbows and unicorns toward the end of last week.

Looking back, I realize that I was in worse shape than I would have admitted.  I guess I didn't really even know how bad it was.

But I do know it's been a long road back.  

At some point, I recognized that the fear, dread, and PTSD left over from three years of chaos and turmoil were holding me back.  I found the strength to try and deal with all that remained.

I looked for help.  I read books.  I changed my diet.  I started taking more vitamins. I increased my medication.  I tried to find a therapist, but they're all too busy.  So, I found virtual EMDR.  I practiced healing every day.

And, I am happy to say, I have healed so much.

I guess that's all this post is.  It's a word of encouragement to all of us who have suffered or fallen or found ourselves at the end of our rope.  Please know - there is hope.

We've all been on a rough road.  While the threat of COVID has diminished for most of us, many of us are still in survival mode.  For those of us still struggling, I want to offer peace.

After all, what is it we're really trying to accomplish here?

I believe we're trying to accomplish joy, peace, and love.  I believe that anything less is just a distraction from our true purpose.

When you're suffering, it's very difficult to see joy, peace, or love.

I also believe that it is our moral responsibility to heal.  We must heal so that we are free to love and forgive the way God intended.

So if you suffer, find your healing.  If you love someone who suffers, help them heal.  Ask the Universe to guide you to healing.  It will oblige.

We must allow ourselves to heal so that the future may again shine brightly.

I send out a prayer for healing.  For all of us.

Love and peace,

Jennifer

It's working

 About 30 days ago, I accepted the fact that I wanted to be happier, and I decided to do something about it.  The fear and the drudge that 2020 brought were no longer useful to me.  I know I am not meant to live in fear and dread.

So I did what I do.  I found a book.  This time, the Universe handed me You, Happier: The 7 Neuroscience Secrets of Feeling Good Based on Your Brain Type by Daniel Amen, MD (2022).  Through the lens of neuroscience, Dr. Amen presents information and practices that help you nourish your brain so the happy chemicals and hormones can do their job better.

I immediately changed my diet (living on protein shakes does not do enough for your brain to feel happy).  I started taking the supplements that support my specific brain type (Sensitive-Cautious-Persistent).  I noticed the effect the very next day - I already felt so much more positive and hopeful.  That was enough for me to commit to a change.

I took the happiness quiz again.  I went from a 2.6 to a 4.17.  I have met my goal of being happier.  I can feel it.,

So, why do I tell you all this?

Because God gave us the ability to change how we feel.  If we continue to attach ourselves to thoughts of fear, dread, and accusation, we will continue to feel trapped in an unhappy world.  But if we choose to let go and forgive those accusatory thoughts, they won't affect us.  It really is that simple.

In doing this work, I was reminded of my true purpose - to spread Love.  It's hard to spread love when you are trapped in fearful and judgmental thinking.  It feels like the only thing you're capable of is self-protection.  And the love you try to share feels contrived and inauthentic.  But there comes a moment when you realize the futility of the fear and wasted energy.  And that is the moment you begin to let go.  

(In addition to the resource I mentioned above, I want to remind you about Judgement Detox Release the Beliefs that Hold You Back from Living a Better Life by Gabrielle Bernstein (2018).  It's another game-changer.)

Some might wonder, is being happy really that important?  There are those who will say it is our moral obligation.  I agree.  The author of You, Happier offers this quote:

"One of my favorite short videos that I encourage all of my patients to watch is by Dennis Prager. In “Why Be Happy,” he suggests that happiness is a moral obligation. He says: Whether or not you’re     happy, and most importantly, whether or not you act happy is about altruism, not selfishness—because it is about how we affect others’ lives. . . . Ask anybody who was raised by an unhappy parent whether or not happiness is a moral issue, and I assure you the answer will be “yes.” It is no fun being raised by an unhappy parent or being married to an unhappy person or being the parent of an unhappy child or working with an unhappy coworker."   

My point is this - You can do something about how you feel.  You can create a happy, content life if you really want to.  But it takes a willingness to let all your thoughts be scrutinized and disowned when they are not helpful.  There is a part of your mind that will always try to trip you up.  But it doesn't control you, it only tempts you.  You get to decide whether or not it will dictate how you feel or act.

If you're chronically unhappy - please, please don't give up.  My words alone are not enough, but there is a way out.  It takes effort and commitment, but it is possible.  Winston Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, keep going."  Seek out the help you need.  Please.  For those suffering from long-term crippling anxiety or depression, I know it's not as easy as I make it sound.  I've been there.  I really do know.  But there are many people and places that can support you.  Reach out for help.

Ask the Universe to guide you.  Ask to be led to the resources you need.  The Universe will oblige.  

I hope you came out of the pandemic feeling more positive than I did.  I hope you never lost your spark.  But if you did, you can find it again.  I promise.

When you're coming out of a dark place, the road can seem long and scary.  But we are not alone.  We are loved and cared for beyond our wildest imagination.  Let's help each other find the light again.

With love,

Jennifer

References

Amen, Daniel G. . You, Happier: The 7 Neuroscience Secrets of Feeling Good Based on Your Brain Type (pp. 3-4). Tyndale House Publishers. Kindle Edition.

Bernstein, Gabrielle. Judgment Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living A Better Life (p. 203). Gallery Books. Kindle Edition. 

The Way Back

I experienced extensive fear and dread over the last few years.  Not only was I afraid for my life and the lives of those I loved, I was also afraid of other people and their power to hurt me.  In trying to protect myself, I lost my authenticity.  

I'm trying to find it again.

I don't see unicorns and rainbows these days.  I hope they come back, but I'm learning to be okay without them.  For a long time, I tried to still be a cheerleader even though I was filled with my own fear.  I'm sure it came off as shallow and fake.  And I hated being fake.  But it was all I knew how to do.  Because I was supposed to be happy, to be the encourager, to spread joy.  Or at least I was supposed to look like it.

But it didn't work well.

As I struggle to get my feet back on the right path, I recognize that I don't want to be a fake cheerleader.

I want to be authentic.

I used to have so much loving energy to spread to others.  And that's where I had to start.  

I didn't feel good.  I felt fear and anxiety.  I had to recognize that my fearful feelings were perpetuated by my attachment to the judgmental thoughts that haunted me.  So, I learned to recognize the thought when it came.  I learned how to release attachment to accusing thoughts, to forgive those thoughts, to accept them and to allow them to dissipate.  I found that I had to learn how to trust again.  I had to re-learn how to trust God and the Universe, and that there is a Higher Power really working for our good.  I accepted that God loved me, so I am love, so I am free to love others.  Instead of giving fake sunshine, I have found that I can give what I have, even if it isn't pure light.  I am both Light and shadow, and if I allow and accept all of me, I have something good and real to share with others.

Don't get me wrong.  I WANT unicorns and rainbows.  I want sunshine to touch you every time we meet.  And I'm trying to get there again, but for now, real is where it's at.

I am trying to find the courage to be more authentic again.  I am working on myself and taking baby steps back to being healthy.  If I struggle or come off as awkward, please forgive me.  I'm trying my best.

And to those who still love me, thank you.

The road back is long.  Thank you for walking it with me.

With love in my heart,

Jennifer

It's Time

 Thank God, it's time.

It's time to put the last few years to rest.

It's time to let go of the fear, the uncertainty, and the constant state of unease.

It's time to heal.

Thank God it's time to heal.

This isn't the first time I've been in this place.  I've experienced life's valleys before.  I've been in the throes of crisis and the subsequent journey back to peace.  I've risen from the ashes before.

But not like this.

When I claimed it was the last five years that nearly did me in, I was probably being a bit melodramatic.  Really, it's been about three.  But as you and I can probably agree, it was the worst three years so far.

You know me, I'm an optimist.  But by the end of these last three years, it was very hard to see the good.

And THAT was what almost did me in.  I couldn't see the good.

I saw fear.  I saw pain.  I saw dread.  I saw conflict and violence.  And it went on and on and on.

I did the only thing I could do.  I hid.

I hid under my blankie on my couch and closed my eyes tight, hoping it would all go away.

It didn't.

Of course, I can't see what the future holds.  Maybe it's worse, who knows.  But for today, I feel a reprieve.  

I'm not the same optimist I was before.  Seeing rainbows and unicorns was my natural state.  Today, I'm happy if I feel something, anything, besides fear and dread.

Today I woke up, and the sun was shining.

Today, I woke up, and I WANTED to do good things for myself.  Today I WANTED to exercise and do yoga and read good books that make me feel good.  Today I WANTED something better.

They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger.  If that's true, I have no doubt I now have the strength to survive anything.  Maybe not with a smile in my heart, but survival is possible.

And after survival comes healing.

I hope you are ready for healing too.  

My plans include yoga, meditation, running, reading, writing, and photography.  My plans include smiling and seeing the sunshine.  My plans include practicing gratitude and sharing joy.  

I send my plans to the heavens and ask for the Universe's blessing.

We can't (and shouldn't) see what tomorrow brings.  We can only see one day at a time.  And today, I see HOPE.

I pray you see HOPE too.

May we love each other and ourselves back to a place of peace and joy.  We know a bit more about how ugly the world can be, but let's remember the love, the beauty, and the hope that still lives.

May we find it.

Love,

Jennifer

Five Years

 It's been a good day.

It was a good week.

Things are improving.

I wasn't my strongest on Monday.  You see, my past paid a visit last weekend.  I was brought back to a time in my life that brought me more suffering than I've ever experienced before.  It was an extended period of time of feeling that I couldn't find a place to put my feet down.  It lasted for months.  And then, as fate would have it, the pandemic began, and all of life became uncertain.  

The catalyst for this suffering?

My choices.  

I made choices that people didn't approve of.  I made choices that hurt some people.  I made choices that caused close friends to pull away from me.

And it hurt.  It hurt so badly.  There were days I couldn't even move, paralyzed with fear and shame.

And while I do wish I could go back and take away the pain I caused others and myself, I also know the path of my life diverged in a way bigger than I realized at the time.

And I can't go back.

For many months, I wrestled with the thoughts that told me I was a bad person.  Those accusing thoughts that come, and if you latch on to them, they feel very true.

The last few years have been very dark for all of us.

But I believe in the sun even when it's not shining.

I have struggled my way to a place of self acceptance.  I'm still struggling with it.  Perhaps I am the villain in someone's story (we all are, you know).  But if I am, it's really none of my business.

When I look back at how my story has changed over the last five years, I am happy with where I stand now.  I've let go of a lot of old ideas and beliefs.  A lot of shitty things happened, and I learned to stop fighting them.

Peace comes from letting go and accepting.

Maybe you're like me.  Maybe you're coming out of this pandemic a completely difference person than who you were going in.  Maybe during the pandemic you realized that the world is crazy and that the path you were on before leads the wrong way.

To those I hurt - I am sorry for my actions that hurt.  I truly am.

But I am not sorry for who I am today.  I am not sorry for the progress I've made from self-loathing back to self-acceptance.  I'm not sorry for letting go of old beliefs and ideas that only serve to divide and hurt people.  I love knowing that the strength to rise from the ashes lies within me.  Again and again and again.

The story God is telling is a good story, even when certain details look bad.  

And even if you're the villain in someone else's story, or worse, the villain in your own, it's still a good story.

So, I will continue to pursue this goodness - this goodness in myself, in you, and in this great big, crazy story called life.  

Brighter days are coming.  The details of the story may have changed.  But you are a good person.  I am a good person.  Sometimes when we're doing the best we can with what we've got, we drop the ball and cause others to see us in a different light.  But that doesn't change the value of who we are and the importance of the role we play in this great big, good story.

It's a good life.  May we live it well.

Love and peace,

Jennifer

I will honor what is with grace.

 As I may have mentioned, I love my planner,  It has a place to mark if you aligned with your vision each day (yay, vision board!) as well as a place to write your intention for the day.  Sometimes I remember to write an intention statement, but even if I do, I have usually forgotten it by the end of the day.  So, when I happened to glance at my planner this evening, I was reminded of this morning's intention - I will honor what is with grace.

Today was hell.  It started with a small memorial for a colleague who died last week.  I don't cry often, but today I just sobbed in the arms of another coworker.  It was rough.  Then I had to leave quickly since I realized that the clock I had been watching to gauge the time wasn't actually moving.  (I'm so observant.)  So I rushed back to work only to find the appointment had been cancelled anyway.  Then I spent almost the entire day trying to solve a coworker's technical issues.  And then, I stayed too late doing the work I had been avoiding all day.  

Did I honor all that is with grace?

I cry ugly.  And boy, did I cry.  In fact, I sobbed all the way to my car and on the drive back to work.  Was I "graceful"?  No, like I said - ugly.  And did I serenely accept the technical issues for what they were?  Nope.  We beat our heads against that wall all day.  (We won in the end!)  And was I feeling gracious when I left work two hours past contract time?  No.  I felt exhausted.

So when today's intention caught my eye, I stopped for a moment to reflect on my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

And here's the thing.  I remember making a conscious decision to allow myself to double over against the wall sobbing knowing full well that someone could probably hear me.  That's grace.  And when a major mistake was uncovered today, and those two ladies came to confess?  What was my response to them?  Pure grace.  And my willingness to put my friend's technical needs above my own to do list?  That's got grace written all over it.  And yes, I was tired at the end of it all (and not functioning the best), but I knew I was leaving late because I had given myself permission to work at a slower pace and to allow my to do list to remain unconquered.  That sounds like grace to me.

Holy shit, Universe!  We did it!

Rachel Hollis says, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can and the grace to be peaceful on the days when you miss the mark." 

These times are so hard.  We're all very much sick and tired.  These days, we're missing the mark constantly.  It takes strength to surrender.  It takes courage to allow yourself to do today's best, knowing it's not enough to solve our problems.  We're really going through it.  But if we reach deep, there is grace, and there is enough grace within us to deal with what life throws at us.  I promise.

May we all find the strength to have grace for the world, for each other, and most importantly, for ourselves.  Let's honor what is with grace.,

With love and grace,

Jennifer

Let's Begin Again

 I guess yesterday's post may have started out a little rough.  Let's begin again.

All of reality changed during 2020.  Or at least what we perceived as reality.  We thought we were safe, and that things were going the way they should.  We thought that the people in charge were competent enough to keep things running smoothly.

Boy, were we wrong.

Perhaps you are like me.  I recognize that I have lived in fear and high alert for almost two whole years.  That's a lot of stress to put a mind through.  My own mind shows signs of trauma.  I deal with high anxiety, memory loss, and a constant need to control.

I don't want to live in fear anymore.

I want to be joyous.  I want to be happy and free.  I want to spread love and joy to all those around me and to live a life of authenticity and vulnerability.

How does one accomplish this amongst so much suffering?

Truth is, I don't know yet.  But faith tells me its possible.

I have my sights set.  I created a vision board, ordered a Christ-consciousness meditation CD, and will begin to listen to Brenè Brown´s The Power of Vulnerability.  I´m ready.

Will you take this journey with me?  Will you dare to hope for peace, love, and connection during a time of deep strife?  If only enough of us believe...

May 2022 give all of us some breathing room, a chance to find our feet again, and the desire to love this world and each other with abandon.  May we find the roots of our faith and the hope to believe that this world really is a good place.  May Love once again be our driving force.

So, yeah, things have been bad.  Really bad.  But our spirits can heal.  I promise.

Let's begin again.  Shall we?

With Love and Hope,

Jennifer

2022

 So...what in the actual fuck?

It's been a couple years.  Not sure if I'll make posting a habit again, but maybe...

So, if there's anyone out there still reading my words, thank you.

America divided, thousands dying a day...2020 continues.

Since I last wrote, I went back to my career in education.  It is going wonderfully, and I'm grateful to once again feel efficacious.  I'm getting a second master's degree, and I plan to continue working in education until I retire.

My marriage is awesome.  We just celebrated our nine year anniversary with a trip to the mountains.  My partner is my rock.

So, how goes the rest?

Well, like you, I am living through year three of a world wide pandemic.  While I am no longer terrified of the disease (thank you, vaccination!), it is raging out of control.  Hospitals are over-filled and overwhelmed.

Then, there's politics.  I have found that I want to be as far left of the right-wing party as possible.  While it's true I have leaned left my entire life, I am finding now that I just want to be as far away as I can from what the Republican party has become.

And what about church?  I don't agree with "church" at all anymore.  I know it wasn't all churches, but enough of them handled this pandemic and the unfortunate politics in ways that I want absolutely nothing to do with.  Humans screwed up Christianity so badly.  I don't want to be seen as part of that group anymore.

So, those are the world-wide issues.  Personally?  That's been rough too.  Recently, one of my children was in a near fatal car crash, and another child went through their third psychotic episode.  Easy times?  No.

2022 has just begun.  What do I bring with me into this new year?

An awareness that the God of the universe began this good work called Christ when he created this world, and He will continue this opus until its completion.

Everything is Christ, and my judgment is completely unnecessary.

We fall.  We get up.  Hopefully, we learn something in the process.

And that's what all of this is - a process.  I, myself, am an energy process that will one day transform into a different form of energy.

I've learned that clinging tightly is futile and wasteful.  I've learned that resistance to the flow of life is counter productive.  I'm trying to learn that I don't need to control things.  I just bought a sweat shirt that says, "Relax.  Nothing is under control."  Truer words were never spoken.

I've learned I don't know much of anything.  The thinking mind causes so many problems.  I have been through so much suffering over the last few years that I have had to let go of pretty much everything.  I have learned that I can't fix things, and that I, like you, must live one day at a time.  I am trying to re-learn how to truly live and enjoy life and rest in its flow.

The world is suffering.  Our country is suffering.  Our families are suffering.  Only love and connection can make things okay.

So, for January, I am going to take extra special care of myself.  I am going to love myself gently for a whole month.  I am going to let go.  In Jewel's words, "I'll gather myself around my faith for light does the darkness most fear."  I am going to try very hard to go slow and gentle with glow with love.  

I hold all of us in my heart as we begin this new year.  We are tired.  We are hurting.  But Christ suffers with us.  We are not alone, and the Love we need to survive is still here, waiting for us to connect to it once again.  May we all find love, peace, and maybe even a little bit of joy as we start another journey together.

Love and peace to all.

Jennifer

Step 3

So, I decided to go get a real journal the other day.  I've been living the last two years through digital journaling, and I love that I can take it with me wherever I go, but I needed a real, paper and binding journal.  And of course, pretty markers.

So I went to Barnes and Noble, and I found a gorgeous little journal called, The Universe Has Your Back.  It's beautiful.  And it mentioned a card pack that was available with messages from the same product.  You see, I'm going back to my old career, and this would be a perfect item to keep on my desk.  So I asked if they carried it, and they DID, so I set off to the back of the store to find it.

What I also found was a book called Judgement Detox.  This book, the journal, the card pack were all authored by Gabrielle Bernstein.  I hadn't heard of her, but I picked up the book and knew I had been personally led to it. 

You see, when I decided to go back to my old career, I knew I would need a new paradigm in order to not lose my self in the job again.  I've been working on it since Christmas.  The Universe is good.

Finally, I'm remembering what's important.

This book from Gabrielle (yes, I'm going to pretend we're friends) outlines 6 steps that you can take to minimize the power of your judgments and SIGNIFICANTLY reduce your own misery, opening the way for love to work miracles.

If you are tired of being miserable, get the book.

Anyway, here's an excerpt from Step 3.

"We all have a higher power working on our behalf to restore our thoughts back to love. In any given moment we can put love back on the altar and let it shine through any situation or grievance. Love can dissolve even the most deep-rooted judgment. Love is the antidote to judgment. I have come to believe that all issues must be brought to spirit for healing. Without a spiritual intervention, we will stay stuck in the judgment cycle. So we call on a spiritual relationship as we understand it to replace our fear-based judgmental thoughts with love. We ask to let love in. When we surrender our issues to a power greater than ourselves, divine order unfolds. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in God, spirit, or the energy of the Universe. All that matters is that you’re willing to let go and be free."

Bernstein, Gabrielle. Judgment Detox: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living A Better Life (pp. 91-92). Gallery Books. Kindle Edition.

You know me.  It was so perfect, I had to share.

Love can move mountains.  I know it.

But mountains won't move if we're caught in our own judgments, constantly resisting the things we hate.  We create our own roadblocks, then curse the lack of movement.

There's a better way.  I believe it with all my heart.

I'm going to be practicing.  Please feel free to give me feedback on my progress.  I need you guys.

Love and Peace,
Jennifer

Rocks

Okay, okay...I know.  Another two years goes by.  I'm quite the blogger, huh?

If you're actually reading this, chances are you know me well enough to know where I've been.  If not, I'll catch you up sometime.

Anyway, I'm currently at a place in my life where I truly, truly, TRULY believe that all the misery I experience in my life is a result of an unhealed part of my own perception.  I have studied it, I have experienced it, and I hope you all will support me in learning how to live it.

But all that is not really the point of this post.  You see, as part of my growth journey, I ran into the question in my own mind - "Okay, but how about all those things I HATE.  Those things that block me or slow me down in my endless pursuit to carry out what I have deemed important and necessary for that day?" (And THAT is a whole other topic.)

So, I needed a proper metaphor.  I needed something that would represent the things I loved - easy, simple, comfortable, beautiful, loving, harmony, peace.  And I would need a different object to represent the things I do NOT prefer - conflict, pain, denial, roadblocks, impossibilities, arguments, time, rage.  I chose pearls and common rocks.  And throughout the day, I would identify the pearls, the miracles God was handing me.  And for each roadblock I hit during the day, I would accumulate a rock.  Because the TRUTH is, you ARE going to get both throughout the day.  You can't have a day of only pearls.  That's not how this universe works.  And THEN I noticed that the rocks were piling up WAY more quickly than the pearls.  And I felt despondent, and I thought - How can I ever be happy with all these rocks?

But THEN.  You GUYS.  A miracle happened.

I started looking at each rock as they came in and realized they were all unique with their own names.  I discovered quite a few fairly quickly.  There was Fear, and I-Have-To (such a cute pouting face).  Of course there was Should (so sour) and I'm-Not-Good-Enough.  I met Rage and Force.  And here's what I discovered.  When I stopped and simply listened to what they had to say when they came to me, and lovingly acknowledged their need, they scampered off, happy as a lamb.  They often revisit from time to time - the same ones.  I imagine they will always be with me.  It's like their my children.  My very own children to hold in my heart and to love and to heal all the days of my life.

And THEN I thought, WAIT - they were never rocks.  They were DRAGON EGGS, sent to be transformed into the most beautiful of creatures with just a loving embrace and acceptance.  I AM THE MOTHER OF DRAGONS.

Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic.

But do you get my point?

These things.  These things we hate.  These people we can't stand.  Every time we judge.  We are being offered an opportunity to respond to our own wounds with love and acceptance, an opportunity to allow them to voice their pain, and to hold them lovingly until they feel better.  And if we will see these rocks for what they are and respond to them responsibly, we can begin to heal our own perceptions, which allows love to start flowing again.  And so much love fills up so much space, and others around you begin to vibrate with the same love, and the next thing you know, we're all feeling a little bit better, a little bit freer with a lot more space to breathe.

You guys.  You guys.  You guys.  It was NEVER about the pearls.

Please.  Remind me to cherish my Rocks.  Remind me to heal my Rocks.  If you'd like, I'll remind you too.  I love you guys.  Really.

Peace and Love.
Jennifer