Day 311, Part 2 - This Is What I'm Talking About

Sitting here in Safelite, waiting for my window to be fixed - you know, the one some creep broke out with a crowbar last week - I just got the most awesome text:

C:  C_______ got all her blue ribbons on Study Island!!!!!!!!!!  (Study Island is something we use to get us ready for the state assessment.)

Ms. Ward:  Go sistah!  Go sistah!  Go sistah!  Tell her I am so excited and proud of her!

C:  She's the one that texted you!!!!

C:  At first, I was like :/ I'm never going to pass.  But then I passed and then I was like :) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ms. Ward:  Yeah, C________!  I'm smiling so big!  I'm so proud of you!!!  That's how it always feels when we try something that used to be hard.  But we push on, and we don't give up.  Then we win!  You're amazing!

C:  Thanks for being a great teacher and for being in 3rd grade for us......

Ms. Ward:  You're gonna make me cry.  I'm so glad God put me right where He did.  It's been awesome!

C:  Ya, okay, well baiiiiiiiiii  :)

I love my life.

Love,
Jennifer

Day 311 - Awakening

You ever wake up from a bad dream to see the sun shining, the birds singing, the air fresh and clean, and the whole world seeming to be smiling on you?  I feel that way.

Has it really been fifty-five days since I decided to spend a year alone?  Technically, that's more than 1/7th of the way done.  Not that I'm counting.  Really.

This last week was the toughest week yet.  I had to face him - the one that broke my heart - on Valentine's Day.  I won't say that I handled it in the most mature and loving manner, because that would be lying.  But I didn't cry, I didn't make a scene, I didn't attack, and I didn't beg.  All things considered, I think I did a pretty good job.

As dramatic as I am, I really hate drama.

I wish he would just disappear from my side of the world.  I wish I'd never met him, or more specifically, that I'd never chosen to call this man out of the blue and ask him to coffee.  I wish I hadn't believed all the wonderful things he said.  I wish I hadn't accepted the dreams of the future he offered.  I wish I hadn't opened my heart so fully and offered it so freely.

Will that stop me the next time?  Doubt it.

Things got pretty dark there for awhile.  And I'm talking even after the two months of intense emotional pain ended.  For the last month or so, it's been one thing after another, and life seemed to be knocking me down at every turn.  And then came the extreme anxiety of having to face him one last time.  Even for an eternal optimist, it was tough to keep going.  I wanted relief.  I wanted life to be easy for a little while.  Giving up on my goals started to sound like a possible alternative.

But I didn't.

Today, I believe I will finish what I set out to do.  I will finish my master's next year.  I will keep my eyes on December 25, 2012, as the day this commitment I made to myself (and all of Facebook) will be complete.  I will end this school year strong and be a wonderful teacher to my students.  And I will do it all with a clear mind and an open heart.

I will never run a marathon.  I just don't want to.  But I get the concept.  This race isn't over yet.  And I will not quit.

Thank you, Father God, for carrying me through the roughest parts.  I know I did not make it alone.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day I Don't Even Care Right Now - WDNNFVD Day

Oh....I just spent an hour laughing my butt off.  I had to post.

So, you know what kind of time I've been having lately.  Had to put the cat down.  Dishwasher went down.  Washing machine went down.  Car got broken into.  Then, to follow up, the alternator in the car went out and had to be replaced, the car wash place would not vacuum the glass out of my car, and now my electric locks do not work and the replacement window won't seal.

And Tuesday is valentine's day. (Note: I chose not to capitalize that.)

Now, I have to work late Tuesday night until 7:30 p.m., after which I must go to class until 10.  Oh, and no boy loves me on valentine's day.

However, I must say, I do not have to go to the gastroenterologist on valentine's day, as my also single friend must do.  I told her she wins.

It's so bad, there is nothing else one can do but laugh.

So, we've decided to scrap the whole VD idea.  Forget it.  Who needs it.  We don't.  It's all a bunch of hooplah anyway.  And let's face it, even when we are in a relationship, VD is usually a big let down.

We've decided that each year, on February 15, we will celebrate WDNNFVD Day.  I'll let you figure out what that stands for.

Life has been kicking the crap out of me lately.  I am reminded again of Churchill's words:  "When you're going through hell...keep going."

So, that's what I shall do.  I shall go to bed (having eaten an entire bag of cookies and half a jar of spinach dip) and forget this day and the previous 16 ever happened.  Then I will somehow face the fact that I must see the man who broke my heart twice...TWICE...this week - including on the actual vd day, and I will figure out how the hell I'm going to get through that.  With this attitude I've had lately, chances are that Monday and Tuesday are going to be pure hell.

But then, on Wednesday, I will celebrate the blessed WDNNFVD Day with one of my best friends in the world.  And we will laugh our tails off.  We might cry too, but then we will laugh some more.

Sometimes life kicks us in the teeth.  But don't those missing teeth sure give us something to laugh about?

Oh...and she sent me this.  I know it's not Easter, but we both thought it was perfect for where we're at right now.  I'm the one on the right.

Since I probably won't have time to post again until later, HAPPY WDNNFVD DAY!

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 321 - Cripes

Okay, I'm going to try really hard to not use some really profane profanity in this blog update.

Somebody broke into my car yesterday.

Somebody went to all the trouble of taking a crowbar to my window, smashing chunks of glass all over the interior of my car - including my son's car seat - and grabbing my purse.

Now, I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that they were too STUPID to realize that my wallet and computer were sitting on my passenger side seat and not in my purse.  I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that I did not have to cancel credit cards or renew my license.  I've been trying VERY HARD to be grateful that all they really stole were my lipsticks.

Dammit, I loved those lipsticks.

I've been trying very hard to see the blessings.  I have received kindness and sympathy and hugs.  My mother, bless her soul, is letting me borrow her car (which is WAY nicer than mine - butt warmers and everything) until mine is fixed.  I was not physically hurt, my children are healthy, and on and on and on.

Dammit, I loved those lipsticks.

People try to tell me that of course I am angry, I was violated.  But I feel like I should feel more grateful.  I don't.  I feel really pissed off.  So pissed off that I just want to call up that guy that broke my heart and tell him he is a f______ a______.

Oh, wait.  I guess he has nothing to do with it.

At least today, I can be a little more cognizant of my emotions and respond to them in slightly more healthy ways.  I can be angry without taking it out on innocents.  I can be frustrated, and I can SAY that I am frustrated without actually demonstrating that I am frustrated.  I can choose to make calls I need to make or I can choose to wait until I've calmed down a bit.  I have choices in how I behave.

I like to behave well.

I heard someone say today that when we tell God what we want, we don't always get A) what we want.  Hell, we may not even get B.  But we DO get C, D, E, and F.  In other words, I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need.

Right now, I want a man.  I want a man who will feel sorry for me and comfort me and take care of all my crap.  I want a man who will bury my cat and fix my dishwasher and tape up my broken car window and hug me and love me and tell me I'm beautiful.  And I want him to take me to dinner for Valentine's Day.

But, I don't get a man.  I get Ms. L and Ms. A and Mr. M who felt sorry for me last night and gave me hugs.  I get a son who helped bury the cat.  I get ME to fix a dishwasher.  I get Mr. R to clean up broken glass from my car and to tape up my broken window.  I get my friends Ms. A and Ms. J who tell me I'm still beautiful.  I get my mom who tells me how very much she loves me.  I'm even wearing a piece of masking tape RIGHT NOW from a very handsome five year old that says, "I HEART U".  Okay, it's written backwards, but still...

And, I have a picture in my mind of the most amazing Savior of the world who loves me unconditionally and wants to be with me, even when I am being a real poop.

So, I don't get A) what I want the way I want it.  But I do get C, D, E, and even F.  And it is exactly what I need.

Still hoping for someone to ask me to dinner for Valentines Day.  Would that be breaking my own rules?  I don't know.  I'm sure it's a moot point anyway.

Damn, I want those lipsticks back.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 325 Part 2 - One for the Road

Found this and couldn't help but share:

Make Each Day Shine One Day at a Time

You have a chance to be as happy as any one person has ever been.  You have an opportunity to be as proud as anyone you've ever known.  You have the potential to make a very special dream come true.

And all you have to do...is recognize the possibilities, the power, and the wonder of...

Today.

It's right here, right now, and it hopes and prays we will do the right thing by recognizing it for the golden opportunity...and the gift...that it is.

Living life a day at a time means living a life that is blessed with awareness, appreciation, and accomplishment.  For one day, you can be everything you were meant to be.

For one amazing day...

The weight is lifted.  The path is clearer.  The goal is attainable.  The prayer is heard.  The strength is sure.  The courage is complete.  The belief is steady and sweet and true.

For one remarkable day...

There is a brighter light in your life.  The will to walk up the mountain takes you exactly where you want to go.  The heart understands what serenity really means.  And your hopes and wishes and dreams will not disappear from view.

For one magnificent day...

You can live with an abundance of love and goodness and grace shining inside you..

-- Douglas Pagels
Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, Blue Mountain Press.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 325 - A Happy Life

Well, it's Saturday again.  Finally, a chance to breathe.

I woke up at 11:30 today.  Actually, that's not quite true.  I woke up at 8:30, but decided I wanted to sleep some more.  I can do that today.  I can choose to take loving care of myself.  I've gotten to make that choice a few times lately - taking a day off work to mourn the loss of Kitty, taking another half-day off due to a scheduling mix up.  I almost felt guilty for taking the time off.  But not quite.

You see, God gives us the opportunity to receive exactly what we need.  It may not be exactly how we want it or in the timing we'd expect, but if we are patient and open, we find that we are given exactly what we need.

Most of my life has been spent in frustration over things not being the way I want.  Other people don't act the way I want them to.  Life circumstances interfere with the peace I seek.  Demands on my time get in the way of caring for myself.  It often was a daily struggle.  I would fight these circumstances hoping to gain peace.

But, that's not quite how this game called Life is meant to be played.  We are not meant to fight everyone and everything in order to gain peace.  Peace is found in acceptance.  And furthermore, we can be grateful as well.  Gratitude is found in appreciating the good in every situation, even if it takes a bit to find it.

Peace and gratitude make for a very happy life.

Today, for now anyway, I've stopped fighting.  So many things about my life, I've come to accept.  I accept that I am a single mother, raising three boys basically on my own.  I've accepted that there are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do.  I accept that I cannot grade all the papers and be the perfect teacher.  I accept that my house is not the cleanest.  I accept that I will not always be perfectly prepared for every surprise that comes my way.

This acceptance has freed me to receive and embrace a lot of good things.  I embrace the spontaneity of three lively boys.  I embrace the individual uniqueness of all my students.  I embrace God's perfect timing and allow for things to be happening exactly as they should.  I stop to breathe when I get the chance, and jump in and dance along with life when that is what is called for.

I don't have to try to control the world today.  And I am so much happier for it.

Life is so much fun when you let it be.  Enjoy life.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 332 - Dishwasher Repairwoman

You know, it's just been one of those weeks.  Started out with an attempted apology to an ex-boyfriend.  THAT did not go well.  Then I had to euthanize my cat.  And to top it all off, my dishwasher has been malfunctioning for about two weeks and had two inches of nasty, rotting water sitting in the bottom of it.

It's been one of those weeks that makes me wonder if I really can handle life after all.

So, I go to craigslist to see if I can find a replacement dishwasher.  I find one.  It is NOT stainless steel like my current one, but it is $25 dollars.  I can handle black for $25 dollars.

I do what needs to be done.  I make all the calls.  I arrange for a truck.  Now, just to see if my son and I can actually lift a dishwasher by ourselves or if I will have to get a man's help.

So, I undo the bolts and pull the old one out.  Nasty, smelly water spills all over my floor.  I look around me.  Life is chaos.  There is leftover breakfast disaster all over the kitchen floor and counters.  There are chewed couches destroyed by out of control dogs.  There is toothpaste all over my carpet from savage children.  I just buried my freakin' cat.  IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

Then, (and I should give credit where credit is due - Thank you, son, and son's stepmother for the suggestion) it occurs to me to actually investigate the problem with the current dishwasher.  Within a matter of moments, aided by a crescent wrench, a socket wrench, and my cordless drill, I have located the problem.  I disassembled what needed to be disassembled.  I cleaned out what needed to be cleaned out.  I put the whole damn thing back together all by myself.  And it works just fine.

I remember taking an IQ test when I was little.  My mother tells me I scored like a 140.  I looked that up on the Internet today.  140 is just the cutoff for being labeled a genius.

Now, I do not say all this to proclaim to the world that I am a genius.  I am not.  In fact, I ascertain that it does NOT take a genius to fix a dishwasher.

It does, however, take patience and a willingness to think through problems.  That, I can do.  And so can anyone else who is willing to take the time it requires to solve a problem.

Ladies, we are not as incapable as we've been led to believe.  We do not need men to solve our problems (as much as they love to do so).  I'm not man-bashing here.  I'm just saying...we are strong.  We are smart.  And we have the strength to do what needs to be done.

When the day comes that I am with a man again (only 332 days to go!), it will not be because I need him to solve my problems.  It will be because he sees and loves the amazing woman God created me to be, and that I see him as the amazing man God created him to be as well.

Some days, couches get chewed.  Some days, cats die.  Some days, dishwashers break.  But SOME days, I fix my very own dishwasher all by myself. 

Life's not that bad, you know?

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 333 - Goodbye, Kitty

We (my sons and I) buried our cat today.  We've had Kitty for about nine years.  She found me one day on our front porch and became a part of our family.  She will be missed.

A couple of summers ago, another pet died at our house.  But it wasn't mine, it was my ex-boyfriend's.  And I didn't have to pick up the body.  And I didn't have to decide what to do.  Because the dog wasn't mine, it was his.

Today, it was mine.  She was very sick.  I had to decide - alone - whether or not to take the day off to get her to the vet.  I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend the money to take her in.  I had to decide - alone - whether or not to spend hundreds of dollars to find out what might be wrong.  I had to decide - alone - to let her go.

My oldest son went with me to the vet.  He dug the hole to bury her body.  Later, I slept most of the afternoon away at my mother's house.  She loved me and helped me.

So...I wasn't really alone.

I am reminded again today of how much we need love.  The kind of love that is God's love with skin on.  We need people to love us.  We need gentleness and tenderness.  I need gentleness and tenderness.  It hasn't been in my cards to find that kind of relationship with a man - at least one that will last.  And there are times when even my friends seem far away.

But I'm still never really alone.

Thank you, son, and thank you, mom, for embodying God's love today.  I don't know where I'm heading, but I'm glad to not be alone.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 339 - LIFE

Hanging on my bedroom wall:  (Thank you, Mom)

LIFE

Find a passion and pursue it.
Fall in love.
Dream big.
Eat great food and spend quality time with friends. 
Laugh everyday.
Believe in magic.
Tell stories.
Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.
Travel often.
Learn more.
Be creative.
Spend time with people you admire.
Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.
Love with all your heart.
Never give up.
Do what you love.
Be true to who you are.
Make time to enjoy the simple things in life.
Spend time with family.
Forgive even when it's hard.
Smile often.
Be grateful.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Try new things.
Work hard.
Don't count the minutes, count the laughs.
Embrace change.
Trust in yourself.
Be thankful.
Be nice to everyone.
Be happy.
Live for today.
And above all...
Make every moment count.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 340 - It's Time

It's time to let go.

It's time to let love back in.

It's time to slow down.

It's time to embrace what we have.

My children.  It's time to embrace them again.

My family.  It's time to show them how much they mean to me.

It's time to let life be simple again.

Say "I love you."  Mean it.

Find the good.  In every moment.  Because we only live this life once.

Now is all we get.

God,
Grant me love.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 341 - Top Twenty Reasons I Love Being Single

20.  No toilet seat up.
19.  No one nagging me to get my oil changed.
18.  No one worried about who I'm talking to on Facebook.
17.  No one cheating on me.
16.  I can do the laundry whenever I darn well please.
15.  No one complaining about spending time with my family.
14.  No arguing.
13.  No arguing.
12.  No arguing.
11.  No nasty hairs in the bathroom.
10.  No arguing about making - or not making - the bed.
 9.   No one hogging the covers.
 8.   I don't have to call and check in...with anyone!
 7.   No one complaining about how I raise my children.
 6.   I can work as late as I want and not feel guilty.
 5.   I can go dancing any time I want.
 4.   I can dance with who ever I want.
 3.   I can spend my money as I see fit
 2.   I can spend as much time with my friends as I want.

...and the Number One reason I love being single is...

1.   I love spending time with ME!

And no, I did not have to force myself to write this.  I really love being single!  I'm sure being a couple has it's plus sides too, but for now...I'm lovin' it.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 342 - Too Good Not to Share

The days are going so fast I can't even keep track anymore.

This one was so good, I had to share.  I did not write it.  It is by Vickie M. Worsham as found in Keep Believing in Yourself and Your Dreams, published by Blue Mountain Press, Boulder, Colorado.

Believe in Miracles

Love your life.
Believe in your own power,
your own potential,
and your innate goodness.
Every morning, wake with the awe
of just being alive.
Each day, discover the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own specialness.
Amaze yourself,
and rouse those around you
to the potential of each new day.

Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sunshine out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
possibilities can be miracles.
Always believe in miracles!

And here I thought I needed a blog to say all that.

This prose exemplifies the real me.  Not the me who has been carrying around deep, dark pain, but the me I truly am.

Have I mentioned yet today that I got my soul back?

I would say , "Be careful who you give your heart to," and while that's true, I don't think that was the real lesson for me here.  Never give up.  That's what I believe I was supposed to learn.  I didn't give up on my faith, although it came close.  I didn't give up on knowing that God would bring me through.

I believe it was Winston Churchill who said, "When you're going through hell, keep going."  That's what it took for me.

I still don't plan on dating for another 342 days.  At least, that's my plan.  But whatever God's got cooking is alright by me.

Love and peace.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Day 343 - Freedom

"I am sorry."

The most beautiful three little words in the entire English language.  And I got to hear them.  And the other person meant them.

And the ONLY way I got to hear them was the fact that I said them first.

Maybe being the bigger person does work out sometimes. 

Anyway...freedom.  I feel as though an entire weight, a dark, shadowy presence, has been removed from my shoulders.  I am free.  I can breathe.  I can smile and really mean it.  You can ask me how I am, and instead of saying, "Okay,", I will say, "I am GOOD!"  I had no idea that having someone say they're sorry could be so important, so impactful.

We hurt each other.  We do.  It's part of the human condition.  But we can also say, "I am sorry."

Are there people in my life I need to say I'm sorry to?  Many.  Have I thought about what pain they might be carrying due to my thoughtlessness or my unwillingness to say I'm sorry?  Have I thought about the freedom they might feel if I take responsibility for my wrongs and tell them I am sorry I hurt them?  I hadn't.  But now I will.

Of course, it only works if we are ready to let go of our resentments when someone says those magic words.  Or better yet, we let go of the resentment before they're even said.

I am sorry.

Three little words.  Mean all the freedom in the world.  I have my life back.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 345 - Run, Forrest, Run

Has it already been 20 days since I decided to take a year off from chasing a man?  Wow, how time flies.

My oldest son said tonight, "You sure have been cooking for us more lately."  Hmmm.  Sad.

Here's my latest question:  Why didn't Forrest ever cry over Jenny's lack of love for him?  He loved her his whole life, and not until the end of hers did she accept it.  Yet he never tired of lovng her.  He never gave up on her.  He never let the pain of her abandonment crush his heart.  He never wanted to hurt her or retaliate against her selfishness.

 I want to be like Forrest.

He handled her abandonment with grace and dignity.   I handle it with anxiety and fear.  He lived a wonderfully full life, even without her by his side.  Some days, I just hide in my room.  Why did he get to be so lucky to handle things so well?

Oh, yeah.  It was a movie.

I've talked to a few people who've gone through heartaches like mine.  In fact,  I was looking for a heartbreak quote the other day and ran across a website just for people who are going through the pain of an ended relationship.  There was one person on there who said it's been four years!  I guess I can be glad I'm not her.

I went through this one other time when I was in my early twenties.  Except the way I handled it was quite different.  I would search for him - especially in clubs.  Then I would drink until I either found him or found someone else.  I even got married to a guy that I went out with just to prove I could get over the first guy.  Pathetic.

Today, at least, it's a little - okay, a lot - different.  I don't look for relief in a bottle or a man.  I look for relief in God.  And little by little, He is helping.

I will have an opportunity to actually speak to this individual (the current heartache, that is) tomorrow.  Whatever will I say?  What do you say to the man who doesn't love you but who you cannot get out of your mind?

I guess I want some healing.  Who am I kidding?  I want forever.  I want all the dysfunction to be gone and the unending love to return.  Except, it wasn't unending love, remember?  And so, I choose to want healing instead.

Healing....what does it look like?  Kindness.  Humility.  No blame or attacks.  Forgiveness.

Sounds like a job for Superman.

Should I be smart and run away from this encounter?  Or is God big enough to heal my heart enough to have communication which could benefit both parties and provide much needed closure?  I guess I won't know until the time comes.  And I'm okay with that today.  No expectations.  Just hope that healing can occur.  And if it doesn't, what have I lost?  Nothing.

Still just wading through life, one step at a time.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 346 - One Moment at a Time

Ahhhh....my blog.  Yes, it has been a while since I've posted.  I am sorry.

A couple of excuses. 

One, I went back to work.  Christmas break ended.  I love the breaks because I always take the time to reconnect to who I really am.  There are many roles I play, and while I try to maintain my authenticity in each of them, the pace can sometimes overwhelm me.  So I like to just stop when I can and get back in touch with the deepest and truest parts of my heart.  When I am working, Saturdays seems to be the only day I can do that.  So, here I am.

Secondly, I got another email this week.  I was on my way to church with a friend on Wednesday, when I got an email from the one who broke my heart.  This time he had gotten me a gift - something that I would really "get", something personal about my life and my goals.

How the hell do you say no to that?

This is how.  You remember that while you dreamed of the promise of a beautiful forever, heartbreaking dysfunction got in the way.  Satan's attacks too easily permeated our faith.  I was left to rebuild my faith on my own, which meant total surrender to where I was before God, broken and hurt with no power left of my own.  "I give up," I told God.  And He met me there.

I pray for healing every day.  I remain open to any opportunity God may present that would somehow heal my heart.  I wait in anticipation for God's promise, that He "knows the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."  I thank Him for the healing that is on its way.

Just for the record, yes, I emailed him back.  I suppose part of my response was flippant, for again he responded in disconnect.  But later, he responded with more openness.  Does God want us to communicate and close the wounds?  I don't know.  I guess I have to take it one moment at a time.

The biggest lesson I had (and still have) to learn in this is that this isn't about me and any other human being.  This is about me and God.  I assigned Godliness to a human being and assumed I could get to God through him.  But we are not God.  We are human.  Only God is God.  Only God is the one who I can completely give my life and faith and trust to.  He desires to be my True Source of comfort and love and strength.

Healing is happening.  Even if I haven't fully realized it yet.

God is in control.  And today I trust Him again.  Thank you, God, for not letting go of me.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 353 - Humility

Well, it's been 12 days since I decided to take a year off from pursuing a man (thirteen if you count that whole leap year confusion).  How do I feel today?  Like poo.  Again.

It's almost comical to me how my moods have been affected.  "This isn't you," a friend of mine told me.  Yeah, I know.  And I'm frustrated.  I'm used to bouncing back.  I still don't understand why it is taking so long for me to shake this.

So, I just keep moving.  I try to accept what I have, including my seeming powerlessness over my obsessive thoughts.  I choose to remember that I have been given all that I need and so, so much more.  And I am grateful for those things - my children, my home, my friends, my family, my job.  But I also try to accept the things I have that I don't want right now - this sadness and the ever present sense of loss.

It's easier on the days the sun is shining.  The sun is not shining yet today.

"This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'" (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

But before God assures the Israelites of their future, he instructs them on how to live out their seventy years of captivity.  He tells them to build a life, settle in, and accept what they've received.  "Just function," my pastor says.  Keep moving.  You may not like it, but what you'd like isn't really relevant for now.

The purpose of this exile?  To teach the people some humility.

Humility is what happens when your boss strips you of your dignity and yet you must continue working.  Humility is what happens when you have an emotional breakdown and can't work for two months.  Humility is what happens when you must admit that for the fourth time in your life, you've selected the wrong life-mate.  Humility is what happens when you dig yourself into a financial hole and must patiently wade yourself out of it.  Humility is what happens when you find the man of your dreams and he walks away.

Learning humility is painful.  Really painful.

But God is still loving us through these lessons.

"Softly I announce my Presence.  Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance.  Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth, I am infinitely tender with you.  The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you.  Let your weakness be a door to My Presence.  Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help.  Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity.  Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven.  The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus you are lightened.  Heaviness is not of My kingdom.  Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, January 8)

So, I keep moving forward, even though I feel sad.  I surrender, as completely as I know how, to where God has me right now.

I just hope it ends before seventy years have passed.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 358 - The Haunting Continues

Day 359 and 358 have not been great days.  Yesterday, day 359 of 365 days without men, should have been a great day.  It was Sunday and I got to go to my church.  I love my church.  It is real, and God is there.  I always feel wonderful when I go to church.  Except for yesterday.

I volunteer to run the camera for our church, so every few weeks I attend two of the services instead of just one.  This was one of those weeks.  I got myself up early so I would not be rushed, and I made it in plenty of time for prayer before the service began.  I took my place behind the camera and got ready to roll.

Did I mention that "HE" attends the same church?

Now, it's a really big church.  And there really is no reason for us to run into each other or to be forced to interact.  That said, my following reaction makes no sense at all.

I began to have a panic attack.  For no real reason at all.  I was able to film alright, but the entire time I was shaking, not breathing, and sweat was running down my back.  It felt like I was going to explode.

And all that was BEFORE he actually walked in for second service.

Not a word was said between us.  He may not have even noticed I was there.  Why, oh why, must I feel this way?

My son asked me at dinner tonight, "What are you so afraid of?"  Great question.

I guess it is my feelings.  As much as I love to feel good, I really, really hate to hurt.  And the pain I felt in this relationship was greater than any pain I can ever remember feeling.  And I'm terrified.  I want my brain to stop thinking of him.  I want my brain to stop thinking of him.  I want my brain to stop thinking of him.  And I can't understand why it doesn't.

I've tried to surrender this to God as best as I know how.  It's not like I'm obsessively thinking of how things could have been or should have been.  It's just this constant state of loss.  I don't have him.  I never will.  I've begged God to show me what I am meant to learn from this so that I am free to move on.  But the revelation hasn't come.

You all know I am trying to move on.  You all know I am trying to learn and to grow from this experience.  You all know I am trying to do the next right thing and to do it in a healthy way.

When will my heart stop hurting?

So, Day 359 bled into day 358, and today just wasn't a great day either.  But here's the thing.  In another hour, day 358 will be history.  There is an end to today's suffering.  Tomorrow might carry its own (please, God, no), but it will also carry its own joys as well - if I am willing to look for them.

Some days, we feel sad.  Some days, we feel lonely.  Some days, we feel broken.

But today is almost over.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Mary Anne Radmacher Sincerely, Jennifer

Day 361, part 2 - Another Piece of My Heart Back

I apologize.  I know I already wrote today.  But that was at like 2:00 this morning, so surely you'll forgive me for writing more.  Besides, what I found today was too good.  I had to share.

If you haven't yet bought the book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, buy it.  Read it.  Read it.  Read it.  I cannot suggest it strongly enough.  Read it.

These words are hers alone, I take no credit.  Although, I suspect they are not even her words.  God is speaking to her, to me, to you, through these words.  Listen to what they said to me today.

"I AM LEADING YOU along a way that is uniquely right for you.  The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self - the one I designed you to be.  Because you are one of a kind, the path you are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people.  However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path while staying in close contact with others.  In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the more freely you can love people.

"Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence.  Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion.  Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me."

 - December 30, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, 2004.

That is why I love my God so much.  He knows me.  He loves me.  He has infinite gifts He is just waiting to give me.  If only I will receive.

When my heart broke recently, my faith was almost shattered.  You see, when I found that man, I found a relationship that God was so obviously creating.  And when that man abandoned me, I was lost.  I didn't question him so much (although cynicism has helped to create some blame), but I did question God.  How could God be so obviously working, just to dump me on my...butt.

And where did God GO after all this was over?  What happened to all those little miracles I saw everyday?  Why did He disappear so suddenly?

Now, the realistic part of my brain, or at least the Southern-Baptist-raised part, knew He hadn't gone anywhere.  I knew it was me.  I even knew that my doubt and fear had taken over.  I was choosing not to trust Him.  'Cause trusting Him had hurt me.  Really, really badly.

So, today after reading this - and again hearing His voice so obviously speaking directly to me - I formed a new thought.  Yes, in recent weeks, my heart has been smashed against the rocks.  I have been broken into more pieces than I can count.  Huge chunks of Jennifer lay all around me.

I thought what I was supposed to do when that happened was to gather all those pieces into my arms and bravely get up and keep walking. 

But today, I'm looking at those broken off pieces a little more carefully.  That one there looks an awful lot like Pride.  And this one, appears to be Doubt.  And all those sharp shards over there...yep, Fear.  I see Self-Protection and Self-Sufficiency.  Eww, and that really ugly one seems to resemble Idolatry - putting a human before God.

Hmmm.

So, is this Exhibit B?  More evidence that Jennifer doesn't always know what's best for Jennifer?  But maybe, just maybe, God does?

Did I need to break apart to have some more of those ugly pieces fall away?

Maybe.

I don't get to see the Big Picture.  I only get to see right now.  And I want very badly to do Right Now well.

Thank you, God, for your loving care for me.  Thank you for your perfect Plan for me.  Even when I don't get it.

Sincerely,
Jennifer

Day 361...Again

So, I got my calendar all numbered.  You know, the one where I count down the 365 days that I will NOT actively pursue a relationship with a man.  And I was very, very careful about my numbering since I was doing it with a Sharpie, and I didn't want to mess up.  But as I finished - I had started on December 24, 2012 with the number 1 and went backwards - I noticed that something wasn't quite right.  Yesterday, which was Thursday, should have been Day 361, but according to the calendar, today - Friday - was day 361.  It was quite disconcerting.  I double checked my numbers.  They were all correct.  Hmmm.

So, I let it go for a day or so.  I continued living my life, but all the while, it was nagging at the back of my mind.  Where did that extra day come from?  At least two days went by, and the mystery remained unsolved.

Oh.  Leap year.

See, that's the thing about my brain.  It's not perfect.  Sometimes the answer to a problem will be so obvious, yet I still miss it.  Other times, (and my apologies - again - to those of you who have experienced this with me) I will somehow plan two elaborately detailed events, never realizing that I planned them for the exact same time.  Or, there's the time or two I've forgotten to pick up my children.  That was a killer.

Or how about the times I run late?  Or I forget a birthday.  Or I fail to put gas in my car in time.  (Actually, that one was more of an adventure.)

How about when my house is a mess and I let it stay that way for a while?  Or when I don't put clean laundry away for weeks.  Or when I stay in my pajamas until 5 p.m.  Or when I work too hard.  Or when I cry.  Or when I get angry.  Or when I just plain fail.

See, my point is, I'm not perfect.  And I'm okay with that today.  There was a time I wasn't.  And I was crazy and very difficult to be around.  I like to think I'm a nicer person today.  I know how to let go of the imperfections.

A friend told me yesterday that part of my problem is I always want more.  But I don't think that's a problem.  I do always want more.  I always want to BE more.  I always want to LEARN more.  I always want to ENJOY more.  And the only way I've found to do that successfully is to let go of most of the expectations I place on myself and others.

A guy I dated recently (yep, same one - see how my attitude is changing?) wanted me to be perfect.  He said that the girl who got frustrated wasn't the authentic me.  BS.

The authentic me IS imperfect.  And I love it that way.  I forgive myself when I forget.  I forgive myself when I foul up.  And I'm learning to forgive myself even when I fail.

Jane Fonda is reported to have said, "We need to help (each other) really internalize the message that good enough is good enough.  We don't need to be perfect.  We're not supposed to be perfect; we're supposed to be complete.  And you can't be complete if you're trying to be perfect."

The Bible says it too:  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  God's grace has erased our imperfections.  Shouldn't we do the same for ourselves and for each other?

Life gets messy.  Get over it.  Live it.  Love it.  Enjoy not having to be perfect.

Works for me.

Sincerely, Jennifer

Day 362 - Think Before You Speak

Wow.  Are we at day 362 already?  See?  These 365 days without a man are just flying by.

So, I bought this calendar a couple months back - a 2012 calendar with cool and trendy motivational sayings for each month.  It's black and white and says some very positive and uplifting and empowering things.  I decided it would be perfect for this little project I've got going.  I'd number the days backwards until the time is up - Christmas of 2012.  I'd hang it on my bathroom mirror where I can see it everyday.

Except, I can't find the dang thing.  It sat on my dresser forever, still wrapped in plastic, and I guess in one of my rare moments of cleaning, I put it in a more respectful place.  And now I can't find it.  I haven't given up looking - I'm sure it will turn up.  But it's mysterious disappearance led to yet another fine lesson for Jennifer - signed, sealed, and delivered straight from God.

I was reaching behind the dresser to see if it had fallen when my hand touched something calendar like, so I pulled it out.  It wasn't the calendar, it was a card.  A card I didn't even remember seeing before.  I could tell by the front that it was a boyfriend (or husband) relationship card, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where or when it had come from.  So I looked inside.

Inside, I found the most loving words ever.  "I love you...I realized today that in you, God has given me everything I ever wanted.  Your expressions of love - in word, thought, touch, and action, are what I always hoped for...I love you.  I want you to have my heart."  Beautiful, huh?

Except, the card was from me.  To an ex-boyfriend.  An ex-boyfriend I broke up with.  An ex-boyfriend that I had broken up with because, in the end, I knew the relationship lacked the things I  needed - love and emotional intimacy and connection. Oops.

Hmmm.  Guess I'm not so smart after all, huh?

Wow.  Now I have an actual tangible piece of evidence - exhibit A, we'll call it - that shows me in black and white (and a pretty blue) that Jennifer has no flipping clue what is best for her.  A piece of evidence that proves I shouldn't be so quick to jump in, to declare my undying love, to think that "this is the One."  Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut for awhile.  Like a whole year.

And it makes me sorry.  Sorry I said those things when in the end, they weren't true.  Sort of like when someone said them to me, and it the end, they weren't true.  It hurts when someone says those things, but in the end, doesn't mean them.  At least not forever.  Maybe those words are too powerful and shouldn't be said...until...until when?

Maybe there's a time of high emotion in a new relationship that one enjoys but must be careful and vigilant with their words.  And only if the relationship stands the test of time should one say those kinds of things.  I don't know.  I'm not in a relationship, so I have no idea.

Gonna put that card somewhere where I can see it for awhile.  I need to remember the lesson of that card.  Pretty important stuff.  Life stuff.  And that's what this year is all about.

Sincerely,
Jennifer