Memories

I just did something really strong or really stupid. I’m not sure which yet.

I just went back in FB Messenger to February of 2012. At that time, I was a beautiful, strong, independent woman who was just learning how amazing I was and all that I had to offer to the world.

Today, I am a beautiful, strong, independent woman who is remembering how to be a beautiful, strong, independent woman who knows how amazing she is and all that she has to offer to the world.

It’s hard to type through the tears in my eyes.

Before 2012, I traveled from wreckage to wreckage. I made the stupidest choices. I burned bridges. I desperately chose failure after failure.

In December of 2011, I said, No more.

But in February of 2012, Love found me.

It was so sweet and cute - those first messages. Both of us being so cautious. But honest. And the more we chatted, the more honest we became. And the more honest we became, the more we both recognized the risk of Loving.

He almost decided to jump ship. He had a foot out the door. But I cried. And he abandoned his fear and chose me.

Some of those early messages made me smile. A lot of them made me laugh out loud.

But there were others that made me catch my breath.

There were things that we said to each other within the first month of our relationship that should have been remembered for our entire time together. Revelations to each other of mistakes we’d made with others and who we never wanted to be again.

And I would say that for several years, we did well.

But something happened. It my mind, it was COVID. Who knows, maybe it was Harambe. But the Universe shifted. Maybe it was when my son first fell ill in 2017. Maybe it was my brother-in-law’s suicide the same year. Maybe it was my trip with friends to California that would alter the next five years of my life. I don’t know.

But I know that since 2019, the story line went in a different direction than what it had been. And by the end of the tale, we had both long forgotten the statements we had made about who each of us would never become again.

Because we both had.

I think the most tragic thing about the human experience is it appears to be impossible (for some of us, at least) to truly learn something in one fail swoop. We learn it fine enough, and then some time down the road, if we’re smart, we recognize the same lesson being repeated. So we learn it at a different level. And we think, well done! Aren’t I clever? And as we travel further on, the roadbumps get higher and the potholes get deeper, and if we are not careful, we start focusing more on the curriculum itself rather than the lessons it teaches.

I did that.

I think the Universe wants me to remember that I am a beautiful, strong, independent woman who is just learning how amazing I am and all that I have to offer to the world.

It is not an easy task after my savage war with said Universe left my nervous system in lockdown, robbed me of my physical strength, and burned in my nerves through the nights.

And there hasn’t been a map. I worked with a therapist, a physical therapist, a primary care doctor, a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and a neurosugeon. And NONE of them told me that my symptoms were rooted in my nervous system. They didn’t know.

That may not be entirely true. It was my therapist who asked if I’d ever heard of the MELT method.

It was the threat of cervical spine surgery and having paid for MELT training that changed the direction of my path.

I’m grateful as I look out of the window in my unicorn room to see the birds on my birdfeeder and my happy chickens enjoying the beuatiful sunshine. I have an amazing life and and amazing job and an amazing opportunity to help others learn to love themselves.

I grieve the losses sometimes. Less frequently than before. And it may never be that I fully understand all that happened in my life during the last nine years. But after reading those messages, I understand a little bit.

I forgot some things.

I’m trying to remember now.

I’m glad your here. And I love you.

Love,

Jeni Lynn